Humor: Sunday Ramblings

I’m getting cynical in my old age.Folks who I treat often ask if I ever get tired of listening to theirproblems. I always tell them that I don’t. And for the most part, that’strue.But I’m sure that we get tired of listening to the same lines and excuses. In many cases, we can predict who is going to say what famous line or rationalization, keeping things interesting and helping us feel a little all-knowing.

Examples:

A man who is a creep and a louse, but says proudly in his defense, with due smug self-satisfaction, that “At least I don’t go out drinking every night”. By saying this, he expects at least one doggie treat. He usually doesn’t get one from either his wife or me.The fellow who beat up his wife, destroyed his possessions, and drank himself to oblivion, now awaiting trial. “It was stress”, he says. “I’ve been under a lot of stress”. What happened before the concept was invented? Who or what got blamed then?Stress has taken a lot of abuse in the years since it was coined. I believethat it was a term that was once used to describe how much stretching or distortion a piece of metal could take before it broke. Maybe we should send it back to the metallurgists.“It’s my depression.” This is, of course, the reason why the person isapplying for lifetime Social Security benefits. They “have depression”, and because of that, their lives are ruined. Before people knew about having depression, and getting benefits for it, what in the world did they ever do?“My nerves are shot”. We somehow helped people think that they could have “nervous breakdowns” by going along with them. In fact, when someone has what they perceive to be a nervous breakdown, they rarely recover anymore. Having had a breakdown means that life as they knew it is over. It was better when people had the vapors. They got over that.“I have social anxiety disorder”. Now that it’s been on TV, there are a lotmore takers self-diagnosing this condition. It’s not enough to want to avoid people. Now there’s a major reason why they’ll never be around others without Paxil.“I’m bipolar”. There are more bipolar people running around these days than ever. And autistic people too. What are we putting in our drinking water besides fluoride?Could it BE the fluoride? Oh my. We have fewer cavities but maybe we’re nuttier for it. Say it ain’t so.“I may not be perfect, but...” is a line heard at least once in every marital couple who come for counseling. It’s always the guy who says it. Why is that? And who in their right mind would ever expect a guy to BE perfect? Even Ken isn’t perfect, but there are times when I think he’s close.

“I still care about you as a person”. This one is a toxic statement referring to a relationship that has ended. It’s the same as a director saying to an aspiring performer in a tryout, “Nice job, Miss Cupcake. Next!” In tennis, the score is 40-love, and this statement is a 150 mph serve. Unreturnable.

We’re no longer children. We’re now “Adult Children of…”, with all the rights and privileges appertaining thereunto. Lots of great excuses built in. A never-ending supply, if need be. The last time I talked to an adult child of normal parents was when Ray Arsenault was in graduate school.” A second version of that is, of course, that “My family was dysfunctional”. Talk to Albert Ellis. He’s got some very nice songs that you can sing to fix this disabling state.“My father always taught me to...”. This excuses a ton of stupid behavior. If dad taught it, it must be so. It’s rarely mom who taught the dumb lessons, though on occasion, one slips through.“The Bible says...”. I haven’t read the whole book, though I know a lot ofthe stories. People conveniently quote the Bible when it’s in their best interests. It’s hard to argue, since I’m not a Biblical scholar. But what follows a Bible reference is an ultimate self-justification based onreligious premises or interpretation. With God on one side of the argument, how can the other spouse not see The Light?

And finally, the all time favorite expression used in most discordantmarital cases is...<drum roll>...”You took a vow”. Or “We took a vow”. Doesn’t matter if the partner is mangled beyond repair. She took a vow, and in the eyes of her spouse, that’s it. An ultimate, never to be torn asunder. But it rarely works. In fact, I’ve never seen it work. But like a lawyer’s last argument, where he says to his witness, “But isn’t it POSSIBLE that...”, it’s often all that the poor guy has left to try.There are others, to be certain. These are just the ones that are allowed in Illinois. In Sedalia, Missouri, the key excuse for everything is still Flip Wilson’s famous: “The devil made me do it”. It’s still the major reason why things go wrong there, and is the only excuse that is accepted throughout the county.

I’ll do ANYTHING Ramblings

Ever sit with a couple who are having problems, and hear the guy ( it’s almost always the guy in these parts) say to the distant wife, “I’ll doanything to preserve our marriage/family/lives together.”He usually promises all sorts of great things. Some of my favorites include:

1. I’ll stop drinking.

2. I’ll quit cocaine.

3. I’ll go to Church with you.

4. I’ll become a Republican.

5. I’ll stop hunting.

6. I’ll quit golfing so much.

7. I’ll give up my nights out with the boys.

8. I’ll become a Democrat.

9. I’ll try to like your mother.

10. I’ll try to get along with your family.

11. I’ll finish cleaning the garage.

12. I’ll stop yelling so much.

13. I’ll stop hitting you.

14. I’ll throw away all my porn collection.

15. I’ll stop buying any more guns.16. I’ll go to counseling.

17. I’ll give up Myrna.

18. I’ll start coming home after work.

19. I’ll help you with the dishes/laundry/chores.

20. I’ll do whatever you want.

And when said, each of these are lifetime commitments, of course. These pledges are real, potent, and filled with sincerity. Given to a recalcitrant wife, they are typically met with initial skepticism, with the usual response that “You’ve said all that before, and you’ve never done them.”The guy’s classic response is, of course, totally predictable. “Yeah, but this time I...(you fill in the blanks. If unable, contact a colleague). ****From here, it’s an argument. They’ve already decided that this will be the argument, not the issues that crapped up their relationship. It’s now over his sincerity, and if he’s challenged, he’s just going to get mad, sulky, teary-eyed, and then ticked. From his point of view, all should be forgiven. After all, he’s promising the world. From her point of view, she doesn’t believe a word of it.I wonder where all of these fellows get this script. I’ve checked the web,and it’s nowhere to be found. It’s not in any of the marriage self-helpmanuals that I’ve ever seen, and not usually recommended by friends and family.Maybe it’s part of the folkways of a generation, those things that are passed on from one generation to the next without being written or codified. Could be stuff that guys learn in the locker rooms at the Y, or on hunting trips with their buddies. Wherever they learn it, it’s common stuff, widely used, and always presented with the classic, “I’ll do anything if...”There are, to be certain, honest people who truly try to make their last-ditch promises work, but always at a price. Typically, when they return after a week’s effort, the fellow who made the promise is now mad as hell, and in a self-righteous stew.“I did ...(whatever) for a whole week, and she still wouldn’t go to bed withme” ( or whatever it was that he expected). Now she’s on the defensive, and he’s gone from one who gave a promise 7 days prior, to one who is no longer interested in the marriage since she hasn’t responded on cue.When a guy tells his wife that he’ll do anything to preserve the marriage, it’s always fun to ask him to assign all of his assets and worldly goods to her. If he fails to follow through, he loses everything.Why is it that I’ve never

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