In grad school I trained under Ray Fowler, whose appreciation for and expert knowledge of the MMPI was passed on to his students, making an indelible impression.

During internship my cat became ill—listless and apathetic—so I took him to a local vet. After examining the cat the vet (who did not know my profession) announced: “There’s nothing physically wrong with your cat. The problem is psychological.”

Not aware of any psychometric instruments available for cats, I discussed the problem with my wife and we developed our own test.

Hence, the Alabama Multifeline Personality Inventory, which you may publish if you wish.

ALABAMA MULTIFELINE PERSONALITY INVENTORY

Has your cat been acting strangely? Different somehow? Depressed? Anxious? Angry? Do you find yourself saying more and more often: “OH NO! LOOK WHAT THE CAT DRAGGED IN!”? The following pseudopsychometric instrument is designed to help you find out what’s going on. Simply have your cat respond “true” or “false” to each item and mail the responses to the executive offices of the APA for scoring and interpretation.

1. I think I would like the work of a dogcatcher.
2. My gait has been described as a catwalk.
3. I wake up fresh and rested 10 or 12 times each day.
4. Sometimes my fur leaves my body.
5. I would like to be a mouse.
6. There seems to be a purr in my throat much of the time.
7. I sometimes tease humans.
8. I often feel as if there were a tight band around my throat.
9. Occasionally I am troubled by hearing catatonias that others don’t hear.
10. I have used catnip excessively.
11. I am afraid of mice.
12. I am asleep most of the time.
13. Chinese restaurants make me sweat.
14. I get a lot of support from caterpillars.
15. I am more sensitive than most other cats.
16. I don’t blame anyone for trying to grab every mouse he can get in this world.
17. I am high-strung.
18. I feel dog-tired a good deal of the time.
19. Criticism or scolding hurts me terribly.
20. I wish I were not bothered by thoughts about mice.
21. I would like to travel to Israel to see the Caterwaul.
22. My people treat me more like a kitten than a cat.
23. Every mouse tastes the same.
24. Kittens should be taught all the main facts of sex.
25. I have often been punished without cause.
26. I like to sleep catty-corner.
27. I believe in life after life after life after life after life after life after life after life after life.
28. I can easily make mice afraid of me and sometimes do it for the fun of it.
29. I dislike to take a bath.
30. My ears sometimes feel like they are covered with fur.
31. People say insulting and vulgar things about me.
32. I often think “I wish I were a kitten again.”
33. I have used catnip moderately (or not at all).
34. I like repairing a mousetrap.
35. I usually “lay my paws on the table” with cats I”m trying to correct or improve.
36. My favorite refreshment is Cat-A-Tonic.
37. The strangest thing I have ever seen is a cat o’ nine tails.
38. Sometimes I think my tail is a mouse.
39. I enjoy being groomed with a catacomb.
40. I feel furry all over much of the time.
41. I would like to travel on a catamount.
42. I believe a cat should never taste catnip.