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Review of The Book of Love Compatibility, Edward Hoffman and Marcella Bakur Weiner

Book Review

Reviewed by Patricia Pitta

Finally, a book has been written that superbly integrates the fields of temperament and couples counseling. The authors, both New York City licensed psychologists in independent practice, are to be congratulated for producing a truly innovative and timely work. Not only do they avoid jargon artfully and effectively, but also present up-to-date findings on biological psychology in a lucid manner.

This book’s thesis is absolutely on-target: namely, that romantic closeness is based on compatibility involving 12 specific personality traits; among these are extroversion, libido, spontaneity, idealism, nurturance, and aestheticism. “What matters most is companionship,” the authors cogently observe. “As countless research studies and counseling room conversations bear out, a companion is someone who shares your most important traits relating to intimacy. And to find that companion--your soulmate--you must first know your own intimacy needs and traits. Then you can find that special compatible one.”

With many concrete examples drawn from their 40 combined years of therapeutic work, Drs. Hoffman and Bakur Weiner convincingly argue: the greater the “fit” between partners on these traits, the more satisfying and enduring the relationship. Interestingly, as the authors seem to imply, this patterns holds true regardless of the chronological age, gender, body type, or nationality of respective partners. For example, two people from widely different cultural backgrounds may be better suited to each other-- because of their match on the “Big 12” traits underlying intimacy-- than potential partners raised in exactly the same milieu. What I find especially useful in this excellent book are its many self-quizzes, replete with scoring keys and interpretation. The format is ideal for practitioners eager to use its powerful insights with couples seeking help. Also praiseworthy are the many sidebars, which give specific pointers for observing and listening more effectively to the “messages” that we all send to one another based on our temperamental qualities relating to intimacy. For example, one sidebar presented for each trait is called “What your Partner Likes to Hear” and another is entitled “What Ruffles your Partner’s Feathers.” Many of my clients have recommended the sidebars alone as worth the price of this ground-breaking book. For their sequel, I’d like to see Drs. Hoffman and Bakur Weiner apply their insights specifically to the popular phenomenon of online dating.

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