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Humor |
Frank Froman |
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Neuropsychology Refuted Neuropsychologists were stunned by medical research that originated from researchers at the University of Bangor. The human brain has been found to serve no purpose. Studies conducted by Bangor scientists have conclusively proven that the origin of human thought, emotion and behavior is no longer the brain, as had been previously thought. These have migrated quite rapidly in evolutionary terms and are now lodged instead in the tuchus. The tuchus has been found to be the seat of emotion and wisdom. In addition, it has been identified as the seat of pleasure and in some defiant children, the seat of pain as well. “We are amazed at these findings”, said Dr. Hermann Rump, chief of cognitive research at the University of Bangor. “The tuchus really appears to be fundamental to the locus of personal control.” “There can be no doubt that we have finally uncovered the major cause of obesity as well”, chimed a spokesperson for a group of highly qualified bachelors’ level therapists, who noted a .985 correlation between tuchis size and obesity. “We will be publishing our understandings in our membership journal, The Highly Illustrated Educational Resource Manual of BS Therapists”. Malformations of the tuchus cause an array of psychological problems, including body dysmorphia, inadequate personality disorder, and in cases with a particularly well-formed tuchus, narcissistic personality disorder. A sore tuchus also causes mild to moderate clinical depression. An extremely sore tuchus has been correlated with antisocial, sadistic and self-defeating personality disorders, as well as major depression. The scrawny tuchus of the Twiggy age appears to present itself in cases of self-defeating personality and atypical depression, as well as Anorexia. Preoccupation with the tuchus causes OCD. Mega-tuchus appears to be associated with difficulty in standing and sitting without saying “Oy”. Neuropsychologists were reportedly outraged at the news and were unprepared for this paradigm shift. “We spent years studying brain function and structure, and now we find that it has absolutely nothing to do with behavior. Brains simply fill the area behind the eyes. All that money for education and those charts and books and tests down the drain!” lamented Dr. Robert Karman, who practices in Brea, California. (1) MC organizations were elated with the news. “We always knew that NP testing was unnecessary. Now we find that it was irrelevant as well. We’ll be reviewing past claims paid and sending out bills for reimbursement plus interest”, said Nimda Plotnik (2), spokesperson for the industry. Graduate students have abandoned research programs in the neuropsychological basis of behavior, though several major universities still plan to teach NP as mythology. Several Universities are offering partial tuition refunds to recent graduates, along with letters of apology for misrepresentation. Physical therapists, however, were ecstatic. “We always thought that by getting someone off his/her tuchus, we were really helping them”, said Dr. Josephine Uppenatem. “ Now we know that it increased blood-flow to the area and directly affected their cognitive and emotional functioning. This pries open a whole new area for us.” Unfortunately, it does appear that everything we know about dominant hemispheres is now backwards. Since the tuchus is wired directly in line with the body, a left dominant person is more apt to be random and a right, analytic. A few people have a perfectly balanced tuchus and are able to be both at once, not to mention often conceited. Several grant requests proposing a variety of mapping protocols are stuck in Congress. According to the President, “we’re not sure that it’s the proper function of the Federal Government to pour money in tuchus studies.” Pressure was mounting on the President to fund at least 17 existing lines of research, but to slam shut the door on others not yet established. Senator Harlem Spectator, however, believes that there are important things to be learned from tuchus research, and that an in-depth understanding of how it functions has to potential to cure many psychological disorders. Scandinavian countries which have fewer inhibitions about conducting research are going ahead full-steam. Drug company spokesperson Sircan Plotnik added, “We always stated that the mechanism by which our medications worked was unclear. We had long suspected a tuchus-behavior link. We’re going to be pouring in billions to understand how the healthy and diseased tuchus affects mood states.” A new antidepressant is being developed based on this new research. The path of ingestion has not been decided, though discussions have been underway with the manufacturers of Preparation H. Parents of older children, interviewed by CNN, were unsurprised by the findings. “I always told my kid that his brains were in his tuchus”, said one hapless father. “Now I find out how right I was.” His satisfaction, however, was short-lived upon realizing that his own were as well. Dr. Gordon Herz has put together a 2-day workshop entitled “Neuroproctology and other cranio-tuchus inversions”. (3) Wisconsin will be the first to offer a new graduate program leading to a master’s degree in tuchus studies (MITS). A doctorate is planned for 2006. And finally, a new APA division is being inaugurated to replace the Neuropsychology division. It is as yet unnamed. Serious consideration is being given to calling it the American Neurotuchus Advocacy League. 1. Quoted with permission and gratitude 2. No relation to Marve Plotnik of Sedalia, Missouri 3. Quoted with permission of the highly inventive Dr. Herz. Clean Plater’s Club A class action lawsuit was filed today in New York on behalf of millions of overweight Americans. The NY lawfirm of Zaftig and Zaftiger filed suit today in Federal court, demanding relief for the 120 million American who tip the scales in excess of 25 BMI ( Body Mass Index). The named defendant in the suit was the Clean Plater’s Club, an organization loosely formed in the mid 1900’s. Marketing spokesperson Riddenwid Gilt released a statement on behalf of the club. According to Gilt, “Food was in short supply during the war years, and some children were actually not finishing everything on their plates. We told parents to urge their children to eat ALL of their food, and to use such techniques as “There are children starving in India ( or China ) who would give anything to eat this food”. Techniques of guilt production, taught by the organization, also included instructions to mothers on how to feign a look of hurt if food offered was not totally consumed. Small mirrors were distributed by the CPC with pictures showing Moms how to scrunge up their faces in a look of mock pain, thus ensuring that their offspring would not get out of eating lightly. Also referenced in the lawsuit was the mandatory issuing of ‘seconds’, a concept which was pioneered in the mid 40’s. Finally, the lawsuit alleges that an all out attack against left-overs was encouraged, with such training phrases offered as “Look, if we all just eat a little more, we won’t have to worry about leftovers”. The Society for the Preservation of Leftovers (SPL) has joined the suit as a curious amice. Originators of the suit hope that this will send a message to the CPC. Gilt said that his intent is to force the organization to disband, since it no longer serves the purpose for which it was originally intended. “We’d like to force them out of business”, said Gilt, “and replace them with a more benign organization that practices safe eating.” With the settlement money, anticipated in the heavy billions, each overeater will receive a letter of apology from the CPC and a new, shiny quarter...a token representing the last of their expired platforms...”If you eat everything on your plate, I’ll give you a quarter.” Attorney fees will eat up the rest of the settlement. Marve Helps Marve has had his first referral to treat a non-drinking Sedalite. He is 31 year old “Toby” ( not his real name ). Toby was born into a family that emigrated to Sedalia from a small country in the Azores around 1930. His family history, according to Marve, suggests that nobody ever told them about the pleasures of drinking. They had no TV, and thus saw no ads for spirits. They couldn’t see particularly well, and therefore did not read media advertising suggesting that people needed to drink responsibly. They never went to a ‘package store’, since they felt that they had no need to obtain any packages save for what their family sent every Christmas from the Azores. As a result, they grew up and grew older without ever teaching their children about the importance of drinking. And Toby became a chief casualty of this restrictive family. He discovered his problem at a Sedalia High School football game, when he observed everyone in the stands holding cans of beer and getting rowdy. That caused him to run home, fearful of the escalating noisy behavior taking place among the fans. He learned to avoid football games after that. He grew older, graduating High School as an isolate, and unsure as to why. He eventually attended the Sedalia Body Building Institute, where he came to have 15 inch biceps and a 42-48-42 figure, considered most manly in that community. But still, he did not drink. Until one day, he became smitten by Demi (not her real name). As a member of a normal Sedalia family, she drank until intoxication each weekend, and maintained herself on alcohol, to a lesser and more ladylike degree, during the week so that she could practice her dental trade without shaking hands. She introduced Toby to some Sedalia wine, which caused his head to swoon and made him pass out. And so, Toby referred himself to Marve, the regional MC representative, for drinking training. As you probably know, this is not a big part of Marve’s practice, but he was willing to sacrifice himself to help Toby. The two of them began a slow systematic desensitization, starting each session with some beer, then adding wine, some bubbly, and then a little Jack. Marve did this at the end of the day, as you might expect. Toby’s therapy is expected to last for about 5 years. He is making good progress, and returns for augmentation each Tuesday at 4 PM. Mildred wonders what the heck Marve is doing every Tuesday, but Marve, of course, cannot discuss his patients due to HIPAA regulations. Marve asked that you not call him on Tuesday evenings, and also not on Wednesday mornings until after noon. |
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