Clem’s Badge of Honor When we lasted checked in on my old “friend,” Clem, he was busy developing new ways to exploit managed care, the public and, as always, psychologists. Just the other day he called me and offered to come over and give me a ride in his new BMW. It seems that his recent scheme to sell confidential psychotherapy information over the internet has really paid off. While taking me through the features of his ultimate driving machine, Clem revealed another get rich quick scheme. This time Clem has decided to exploit the growing tendency displayed by clinical psychologists to want to anoint themselves with certifications, academy memberships, being “fellows of colleges,” and so on. It didn’t take Clem long to figure out that he could enter this brisk market of title sales, too. Thus began Clem’s American Official Collegiate Academy of Psychological Certification. Looking around, Clem realized that most of his potential customers were psychologists in independent practice, so he started to dream up certificates that would be appealing to this desperate group. Drinking two 45 oz. malt liquors in rapid succession, he had the following brainstorm: • The American International Academy of Certified Cognitive Behavior Therapists • The International-National Society of Marital, Family and Sex Therapists • The Worldwide United Organization of Substance Abuse Treatment Specialists • The International-American Society for Child Custody Evaluation • The Worldwide Organization of Absolutely Christian Counselors (also available in Jewish, Islamic and Interfaith by request) • The International Olympian Organization of Sports Psychologists • The Worldwide Federation of Executive Coaches Clem also came up with the terms “The American Psychological Association” and “Psychologists in Independent Practice” but I dissuaded him from using them. But this was only the first part of Clem’s magnificent brainstorm. The second part, probably inspired by his second bottle of Colt 45, was to offer certificates from each of these organizations in a variety of prestige categories at commensurately increasing prices. For your convenience, the convenience of Clem’s other potential customers, and, of course Clem’s convenience, prices are the same regardless of which organization you “join.” Here is his price list: Membership Level Dues and List of Membership Requirments Yearly “Certified by” $100 “Diplomate of” $200 “Fellow of” $300 “President Elect of” $1000 “President of” $2000 “Past President of” $1000 Any of the above for lifetime membership — Multiply yearly dues x 10 The astute reader might believe a potential problem exists. For example, what if several psychologists in the same community all claim to be president or president elect of the same phony-baloney society? Clem had already anticipated this problem. “These rubes will never know the difference,” said Clem, offering his off the cuff appraisal of the patients we treat. I thought this over for awhile and realized that Clem was perfectly correct. The average, or even above average, potential patient on the street has absolutely no knowledge-base that would allow him or her to distinguish between the validity of The American International Academy of Certified Cognitive Behavior Therapists, for example, and the American Board of Professional Psychology. Therefore, if morals and ethics are quickly cast aside in favor of greed and business advantage—something that is not much of a stretch for my friend Clem—titles from Clem’s organizations are by far to be preferred over those from ABPP or APA, for example, simply because they are so much easier to obtain. There are a few details that I will just mention briefly about Clem’s operation. For example, where does he get the certificates printed? He simply got in touch with the same companies that print certificates and diplomas for the finest universities and recognized professional organizations. Did you really think that printers are under some obligation to reserve their most authentic looking certificates for organizations that are actually authentic? Of course not. The same printer who prints for Harvard, Stanford, the APA and the AMA will gladly print for Clem. Clem’s diplomas are truly of high quality, and he knows enough to limit the use of gold emblems and large red text in order to create the look of restrained, elite, excellence. Clem thought of adding a separate business of offering mounting in fine woods, but then realized that that would be a legitimate business requiring Clem to actually deliver a real product. Well that’s the end of my latest story about Clem. For those of you seeking to order your diploma, Clem’s website is http://www.imapsychologistwhoissodesperatefor incomeiwilldoanything.com Before I said goodbye to Clem, I had to ask him how he could sleep at night knowing that he was operating one scam after another, brazenly separating innocent people form their hard earned money, selling them products of very questionable moral value, some of which were illegal. Clem thought for a moment and then explained, “I used to be like you,” he said, “always worried about right and wrong, always trying to earn money in good, honest ways. That was before I hired an executive coach. My executive coach has freed me to approach business as one approaches war, to realize that greed is good, to play hardball with the big dogs, and to look out for number one. And, best of all, he never pathologizes me.” One last thing. You might think it’s another of my fantasies and that neither Clem nor his diploma business exist. If that’s what you believe, you are 50% correct. Watch your mailbox. Martin H. Williams, Ph.D. President, The American International Academy of Certified Cognitive Behavior Therapists Diplomate of The International-National Society of Marital, Family and Sex Therapists President Elect of The Worldwide United Organization of Substance Abuse Treatment Specialists Certified by The International-American Society for Child Custody Evaluation Fellow of The Worldwide Organization of Absolutely Jewish Counselors Past President of The International Olympian Organization of Sports Psychologists Fellow of The Worldwide Federation of Executive Coaches Dr. Williams occasionally takes time away from humor to practice clinical and forensic psychology in Redwood Estates, California. His current concerns include conducting Dialectical Behavior Therapy groups for patients with Borderline Personality Disorder and testifying in licensing board and civil suits involving psychotherapists. Dr. Williams can be contacted at (888) 225-9957 or mw@drmwilliams.com
	Martin H. Williams, Ph.D.