Coaching

The concept “coaching” gives to practitioners a useful way to advise clients. With the expansion of clinical practices into consultations to businesses, athletic teams, communities, and more, there has been an increase in the use of the analogy of a “team” to encourage the accomplishment of personal or professional goals. Central to the idea of coaching is the notion that a team or any member of such a team needs a good coach. A competent coach is committed to the goals of the team and the performance of each player. Tom Landry the former coach of the Dallas Cowboys is purported to have said that, “good coaching is getting players to do what they don’t want to do so they can be the kinds of players they always wanted to be.” Coaching, like psychotherapy, may not always include conscious liking for the coach’s communications. If we consider ourselves as coaches in our work, we must examine the common, effective, characteristics of this valuable practice before we can apply them.

The four major components of coaching in our experience (Sheras & Koch-Sheras, 1998) are:

1) a commitment to coach or to be coached (this is a statement of the goal that creates the motivation),

2) an agreement between the coach and the “coachee” (this is a statement of the form the coaching will take),

3) a schedule for regular coaching sessions (this is a statement related to the process of the coaching), and

4) the determination of when the term of coaching will begin and when it will end (this will assure that closure can be obtained, even if the process breaks down).

Once a coaching agreement and protocol are established, three aspects of the coaching procedure need to be followed:

1) interaction and feedback,
2) recognition of the truth, and
3) celebration or acknowledgement of the outcome in relation to the initial goal or vision.

While these components and aspects of coaching may see simple and straightforward, adhering to them can be quite difficult. The coach must constantly keep an eye on the vision and the commitment to the goal, not on the coachee’s story or drama.

Coaching Couples

One of the most natural areas for application of the team concept of coaching is in relationships, especially intimate ones. We call this “couples coaching.” A couples therapist can use the idea of coaching in a number of ways to enhance a relationship. The first is to function as a coach to the clients yourself, being committed to the goals of their relationship, giving them feedback about how they are interacting and how they might improve. The second is to teach the members of the couple to serve as coaches for each other. Depending upon the level of functioning of the clients and their progress, a therapist’s goal is nearly always to turn control over to the clients. So in many instances, we perform first the coaching functions ourselves, and then teach it to our clients. A single therapist can easily do this. Working with a co-therapist may provide additional opportunity to demonstrate the coaching process.

Coaching a partner may be difficult, however, because it is a new role, different from that of friend, lover, or spouse. Clients may be hesitant to share coaching, fearing that it will be heard as criticism, or the wish to be critical or express anger in the guise of “helping.” It is essential, then, to each member of a couple that they learn how to hear the difference between coaching and complaint. The difference is that the former is based exclusively on commitment to an agreed upon goal and a clearly expressed desire for support. One couple stated their goal in the following way (we call this a proclamation), “We are living a healthy life together.” One partner (320 lbs.) was coached to lose weight and the other (suffering from lymphoma) on living a more healthy lifestyle. With coaching, they said, it felt like they were “ working for each other rather than forcing each other to do something.”

It is often helpful to make sure that coaching is reciprocal so that each member gets an opportunity to coach and be coached. This gives a sense of fairness (often false, by the way) and an opportunity to discover how hard each of these roles is to play.

When it is time to turn the coaching over to the members of the couple, make sure that the four components described above are in place. Work with the couple to establish the goal for the team (couple). Make sure they can state it clearly and agree on it (e.g., we will spend more time with each other, we will save enough money within two years to buy a house). Be sure that they have an agreement to coach and be coached. This is crucial. Suggestions or homework can only be helpful if followed and completed. The main rule of coaching is “do what your coach tells you to do!” — or as we often say, “just take the coaching.” If you don’t like the coaching, you can fire your coach, but first try what you are asked to do. If you think you know better than the coach, what did you need a coach for to begin with?

Being willing to accept coaching or just being open to it is an excellent prognostic sign for a couple. Have them try to remember that good coaching, like good playing, takes regular and dedicated practice.

Help your clients set up a coaching schedule. Coaching sessions need not be long, but they need to be regular and frequent. If they occur sporadically, there is too much pressure for them to be immediately successful. As mentioned before, it may be useful to have sessions where one member coaches the other on one aspect of reaching the team’s goal, and then they switch roles to work on another part of the goal. For example, the couple working in their therapy on having a healthy lifestyle would at one time coach the partner who was dieting; at another time they would reverse positions and coach the partner working on ways to heal her illness. They would thereby take turns as coach and coachee.

Be sure to have the couple set a term for this particular coaching agreement. Usually one to three months is the best in the beginning. It can then be renewed. If the period is too long, it may be quite awhile before they can say that it is working or not. Sometimes avoiding the coaching is the best defense against it. If a term is set, at the end of that designated period, the couple will automatically have to decide whether to continue or not and what that means for them.

Teaching the next three aspects of coaching becomes the meat of the work with the couple. By having a common, agreed upon goal, they constitute themselves as a team. Once this is done, communication between players is essential, as well as tips given from each one’s perspective. They must learn to give and receive feedback. They need to listen from the perspective of achieving their goal, sharing what is useful. If they are afraid of hurting each other, or being rejected, then they have not yet seen themselves as a team. A couple married five years came into therapy in crisis, both deeply afraid of rejection. They created a proclamation, “We are a completely loving couple,” and learned to communicate in a constructive and intimate way about their conflicts. The husband had been holding back sharing his feelings out of fear that she would leave him. By agreement, the wife coached him on listening without being defensive; he coached her on being able to say how she felt without complaining or blaming him.

Next, the couple must coach from the position of telling the truth as they see it, for the good of the team. Hopefully, you as the therapist have been able to model this in your communications with them. It is essential for the coach to speak the truth, because coachees often cannot see it from where they are. It is human nature to continue to see the world in a way that is consistent with your past. The coach must say what is so (e.g., “You said that you would have completed this task by yesterday, and it was not done.”) The truth does not include interpretation, just a statement of the facts. In a couples group we ran, one partner was finally able to express her concerns about the odor her husband emitted as a result of urine leakage following prostate surgery he had two years before. She had previously been afraid that she might appear unsympathetic. When she was able to be honest, he was relieved that they could work on the problem together.

Finally, it is important to acknowledge and celebrate what has been accomplished – along the way as well at the completion of the goal. Couples often forget this. When a team wins the championship, or sets a record, that is worthy of celebration. Couples can celebrate in many ways. Teach them to utilize their own inventiveness and playfulness. One couple had a “re-marriage” ceremony at their termination session and then created a celebration of what they called their “life, love, and happiness” together by throwing themselves a party, complete with invitations to their friends and family. If your team falls short, celebrate what has been accomplished so far and begin planning for the next goal.

Couples Coaching Couples

A well functioning couple can best be conceptualized as an entity unto itself, distinct from the two individuals in it (Koch-Sheras & Sheras, 1998). A team can be such an entity. A good team often operates as though it is like a single person. A couple can learn about itself, imagine how others see it, notice where it does well, and see where it gets off track. A couple can also be a coach for another couple. In this case, when a couple is a coach of another couple, it is committed to the existence and success of that entity just as a coach is committed to the success of the players being coached. When couples learn this skill well, they often want to use it after they leave treatment and share the idea with other couples they know. In some cases, when a couple begins to do well, they actually feel isolated from friends whose relationships continue to flounder. When this is the case, we encourage them to share with others as a way of developing a supportive community to maintain their gains in treatment. For some couples who are unsure about how to do this or how to maintain their progress, we suggest that they join a couples therapy group that supports this activity.

Preventing Problems and Reducing the Need for Therapy

Over that past decade year, we have been using this model whereby we encourage couples to work with other couples in a variety of ways. We have been successful in working with a group of friends and non-clients who have created a community of people dedicated to enhancing the quality of their intimate personal relationships before therapy is necessary through ongoing coaching. Using this technique, a couple coaches another couple on a weekly basis for a period of three months, using the coaching principles discussed. Such an arrangement begins with an agreement and then the construction of a vision statement or “proclamation.” Each couple then coaches the other weekly to make sure that they are sticking to their vision. We have had great success with this approach in increasing satisfaction in these relationships and have been working to develop a program nationally to teach these skills. The effect to date has been to produce a number of coaching “circles” around the country using this procedure. The cornerstone of this work has been understanding that coaching a relationship can not only create more exciting and fulfilling relationships, but a sense of community as well. This community feeling models positive relationships for others, makes couples feel proud of their relationships and keeps their commitment to one another and to other couples alive.

Conclusion

Coaching starts with the creation of a vision for the couple. Coaches can be therapists, counselors, clergy or other professionals; they can be your spouse or lover, and they can even be another couple. As we learn more about the power of team spirit and vision, we begin to see the incredible power of coaching in relationships.

References
Koch-Sheras, P, & Sheras, P. (1998). The dream sharing sourcebook. Los. Angeles: Lowell House.

Sheras, P. & Koch-Sheras, P. (1998). New frontiers in treating couples, Innovations in Clinical Practice, 16, 399-418. (This is an annual publication edited by Vandecreek, L., Knapp, S., & Jackson T. and published by Professional Resource Press.)

Peter L. Sheras, Ph.D., is an Associate Professor in the Curry Programs in Clinical and School Psychology at the University of Virginia and in part-time independent practice for 23 years. Phyllis Koch-Sheras, Ph.D., is in full-time independent practice in Charlottesville, Virginia, and is an adjunct faculty member at the University of Virginia. They have invented a program called “Couple Power.”

By Peter L. Sheras, PhD., and Phyllis Koch-Sheras, Ph.D.