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Sunday Ramblings

Humor

Frank Froman

DSM-V.i Released

The long awaited DSM-V.i has been officially released by the American psychiatric Association Press.

Eager early buyers lined up at the nation’s bookstores atmidnight to buy copies at the moment of release. Barnes and Noble stores in California hired extra security personnel to manage lines which snaked around several city blocks as eager clinicians awaited their personal copies. The new volume, numbering 688 pages, and its companion book, “Approved Treatments for Psychiatric Problems”, had sold out in most locations by dawn.

Psychiatrists who penned most of the new diagnostic categories were pleased that they now will have many, many more people to treat. More behavior than ever has been identified as pathological, according to Dr. Doduh Medchek, ApA spokesperson.

New to the diagnostic categories were a host of eating, behavioral and addictive disorders. Once thought to be simple indiscretions, we now have a host of new DSM problems including:

1. FE. Fressen Excessen. Characterized by insatiable urges to snack.
2. FFA. Fast Food Addiction. After all the news of the lawsuit, is it any surprise?
3. CRBA. Chinese Restaurant Buffet Addiction. It finally got a separate category that was long overdue.
4. EPO. Eating from the Plates of Others. Needs no explanation. Includes a subcategory for eating the French Fries of others at fast food places.
5. ISH. I’m Still Hungry. Inability to be without food for a period of over one hour. Often afflicting teenagers, esp. post-pubescent males.
6. PA. Pepsi Addiction.
7. FtS. Follow the Smell. An irresistible urge to eat when smelling food being prepared. Variant: Inability to abstain from food when others around you are eating.
8. FS. Food Sneaking. Any eating done while hoping one will not be caught in the act by family members.
9. ESU. Eating standing up. A delusion based on the errant thought that eating without sitting does not result in weight gain.
10. JCEPS. Jews Conflicted by Eating Pork and Shellfish.
11. B & B. Binge and Binge. For people who haven’t heard about the binge-purge syndrome. Secondary symptom: obesity.
12. Anorexia Schmanorexia. Parents who doubt that their 16 year old daughter’s 65 pound weight could be caused by a psychological disorder.
13. BBn. Big Boned. Replaces Morbid Obesity.
14. CPC. Compulsive Pencil Chewing. Also compulsive pen chewing. Variant: compulsive pen clicking.
15. CF. Compulsive Flossing: defined as flossing 3 or more times a day, with active engagement of both adjacent tooth surfaces.
16. CWD. Compulsive Water Drinking. Can go no longer than 3 minutes without a swig.
17. SBS. Sneezing in Bright Sunlight.
18. SPA. Addiction to watching South Park on TV.
19. BMP. Preoccupation with the quantity of excreted bowel material. Accompanied by feelings of relief and pride.
20. BCA. Bagged Carrot Addiction, as manifested by eating the contents of one or more bags of peeled carrots daily for two or more weeks.
21. IA. Internet Addiction, as manifest by spending 12 or more hours per day on the World Wide Web for a period of more than 2 weeks.
22. CCBCD. Catholics Conflicted over using Birth Control Devices.
23. CCD. Childhood Cooperative Disorder, manifested by the child doing what the parent wants when they want it.
24. SPD. School Perfectionism Disorder, as manifest by the presence of a majority of A’s in a public or private school curriculum.
25. HFD. Homework First Disorder, as manifest by a child doing homework immediately on coming home from school.
26. DRD. Driver’s Rage Disorder: Mild: Flicking off offending motorist. Moderate: Throwing tire iron or similar material at offending motorist. Severe: Removing a portion of the anatomy of offending motorist. Profound: Launching the offending motorist with vehicle into high orbit.
27. CPS. Crossover politico syndrome: Democrats liking George W. Bush.
28. Variant: Republicans longing for the prosperity of the Clinton administration.
29. Prc-A. Piercing Addiction: 3 or more non-ear parts of the body pierced. Add 5th digit to show number of piercings, H or O for hidden or openly displayed.
30. FSS. Fetal Schmo Syndrome, indicating a person who was a Schmo even before birth.
31. NCD. No Clue Disorder: Men surprised when their girlfriends leave after they do dumb stuff.
32. SD. Schmegegie Disorder: Women who stay in relationships when their guys do dumb stuff, hoping that their boyfriends will change.
33. Tsoris Minimus: People who complain but have nothing wrong.
34. Tsoris Moderatus, replacing the category ‘dual diagnoses’.
35. Tsoris Maximus: Time to refer to the new kid who’s competing with you down the block.

In addition, professional rivalry has now been pathologized. Two examples: PRP.  Psychiatrists who respect psychologists. A very rare syndrome now unseen inNew Mexico and spreading. Add fifth digit to indicate degree of panic and fear (1-9).

Psychologists wishing they were psychiatrists. A sub-branch of psychosis NOS.

In a brief article such as this, only a tiny smattering of new Diagnostic categories can be reviewed. For those of you who have not yet bought the book, the apa encourages you to spend the $95.00 and pick up your own. That is, unless you want to be diagnosed as:

PC. Cheap, Pathologically, as manifested by refusal buy the latest DSM until your old one wears out.

Managed Care Sells Food Products

So, what’s this I hear about MC selling their own brand of ice cream? They sell lots of wonderful-sounding flavors, like Cherry Chocolate Chip, Peach Banana Delight, and Ultra-Smooth Maple Walnut. But inside each package is just a little vanilla. No chips. No chocolate. No nuts. No peaches. Nothing.

When asked about the missing ingredients, MC spokesperson Misha Guna said that the consumers obviously misunderstood, and that the ingredients were in fact inside the package as stated on the label.

Scientists for the National Laboratory inBatavia, Illinois were sent samples of the ice cream and did, in fact, find one tiny chip of what appeared to be chocolate, weighing in at .000054 nanograms. There was also what appeared to be a nutshell in the maple walnut.

“We would not misrepresent our products”, said Guna, somewhat defiantly. “When we say we serve nuts, we serve nuts”.

Wal-Mart stores have been assigned the new brand, called “Everything We Think You Need in an Ice Cream”. Curiously, all other store brands were removed as government inspectors found that they were mysteriously recalled for a variety of nefarious reasons.

“It’s kind of strange, if you ask me”, said Kilda Com P’tishn, Wal-Mart spokesperson. “One day we’ve got a lot of variety, some great trusted brands, and the next, we’re selling this stuff. Oh well. I guess one brand of ice cream is really all we need to carry. Makes life a lot easier for our stockers.”

New food items are being planned by the group, known as MCEverything. Franchisees are being solicited for their new One Size Fits All Boutique, as well as their Clear Milk Stores, whose major product line tastes suspiciously like water.

is a new brand of bacon coming from the farms of Sedalia. It was rumored that they had made a deal with MC provider Marve Plotnik and are buying his hog production, adding lots of imported low quality pigs and relabeling them as genuine Sedalia hogs.

“We will use only the finest hogs in our bacon”, said Guna. “Pigs are very important to us. Pigs Are Us will soon be a name brand across the country. Besides, it’s an excellent addition to our Managed Care operation.”

Andersen in Trouble

Managed Care official Nimda Plotnik has confirmed that auditor and accountant firm Arthur Andersen has been under investigation for destroying therapist documents.

The problem came to might when a little known clinician, Marve Plotnik, who practices in Sedalia Missouri, was not paid for more than 10 months. Claims that he alleges that he properly submitted were repeatedly lost, said Plotnik.

“I sent their damned forms”, said Plotnik, and then had my mother call and call. She did just what Ray Arsenault’s mother did. Stayed on that phone for hours, making this and that choice, and being thanked for holding cause this call ‘is important to us, and the next available clerk will be on the line real soon to handle your call’.

“But they kept saying that they never received my forms. My business is nearly broke, and if it weren’t for my hog operation, I’d have gone under a long time ago.”

Auditors for the government have conducted an investigation, and been shocked by what they’ve found. According to Senate investigators, MC organizations participated in duplicity by having their accountants destroy claim forms submitted by clinicians for payment.

“They allegedly hired cleaning personnel to destroy records on weekends and evenings”, said government investigators. “They would scoop up any records left in the top left quadrant of clerk’s desks and trash them. Those who trashed the most HFC forms were given bonuses and incentives, including free pizzas and soft drinks.”

Several employees of the cleaning firms have been placed on administrative leave pending the outcome of the investigation.

Hit Me
(A Variant of the Candy Dish Personality Test)

Remember the old hand-slapping game, where one person places hands in front of his body outstretched, palms up, and the other person places hands on palms down? The point is for the person on top to pull his hands away before the bottom person slaps them.

It’s always been a fun game to me. I played it with my dad as a kid, and he often let me win. It was the only time I could ever slap Pop and get away with it. Even as a child, I knew that this would result in years of Freudian analysis later down the road, but the joy of hitting the family rock was too good to pass up. Of course, Pop got in his licks as well.

Anyway, the game is still fun, and seems to have some diagnostic utility with kids.

Here’s what I’ve found:

• Kids who are depressed always lose. Most don’t even want to play. When they get slapped, they don’t respond much. They lose interest after 2-3 slaps, and don’t even want to get even. They walk away looking downward.
• Kids who are aggressive/conduct-disordered love to play and play, and hit to inflict as much pain as possible. They often grunt or scream as they smack you. The look of satisfaction on their faces is palpable. After each kill, they smack harder and harder.
• Social phobics don’t like the game and won’t play.
• Hysterics scream in pain when they’ve even been slightly hit. They always shout a perfect “OW!” quite loudly when they’ve even been lightly tapped.
• Borderlines love to hit, but just hit them once and they quit, faces skewed, with a look of utter contempt for their opponent. They then engage smaller kids in the game and beat the heck out of them.
• Masochists love to get hit and hit again. They never seem to get to do the hitting. After a while, you lose interest in playing with them, but they insist on continuing.
• Anxious kids won’t place their fingers on yours. They sort-of hover over your fingers, and a light touch suggesting that you’re going to hit them causes them to instantly pull far, far back. It takes quite a while for them to resettle on your fingers between hitting attempts.
• Schizodals just take it. When they should be withdrawing their hands, they can’t seem to process fast enough to do so. They get creamed repeatedly, and show little sense of discouragement. When it’s their turn to do the hitting, they appear confused by the game and can’t seem to figure out why it’s played.
• Ob-Comps won’t let you stop until they’ve killed you 100 times. “Let’s do it again” typifies their responses when you want to break away.
• ADHD kids try to look at your hands but can’t maintain their focus. You can beat them by making funny faces or telling stories about Mr. Roger’s paperboy.
• Kids with developmental disabilities like the game, but have trouble remembering which position to place their hands in, palms up or palms down.
• Hypochondriacs wash their hands with bactericidal soap after playing.
• Hyper-arousable kids laugh hysterically after they get hit, and can’t settle down for quite a while.
• Narcissistic kids tell you that they know how to play this game and that you’re going to lose bad(ly). They whack while always smiling, and quit while ahead with a look of smug satisfaction on their faces.
• Autistic kids play the same pattern over and over. Win or lose, it never varies.
• Optimists tell you that they’ll beat you, now or later, but they will beat you. Pessimists tell you that this is too hard, and that they’ll never win.
• Self-defeating personalities hit their own hands.

Some adults like the game as well, and it has some diagnostic utility in spotting dementia. “Let’s see, do my hands go on top? What am I supposed to do? What’s the point of this?”

When you stop and talk, then try to play again, they don’t remember the rules.

When I want to play with Laura, she just looks at me, sighs, and wonders why she never married that other guy who became a taxi driver. The test does endorse intelligence in non-players.

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