Humor: Sunday Ramblings

The American Drug Industry (ADI) has been under the gun lately. They’ve ramped up their antidepressants for kids campaign (AKC), but some doubt that medicating kids has been effective.

And although the results of such medications have yet to prove themselves, it does not seem to matter to the ADI. The theme seems to be “SSRI’s are good for kids”, and of course, good for the ADI as well.

So just when it appeared that this could go no further, I was astonished to read a news report from the ADI. It alleged that the seeds of depression are clearly genetic, and that treatment of fetuses in utero will prevent many people from later developing serious clinical depression.

The other aPa (American Psychiatric Association) has entered an agreement with the ADI, and has listed the diagnosis of “Fetal Depressive Syndrome” in the forthcoming DSM-V. The listing assures that in-utero treatment, with intravaginal SSRI suppositories, now can receive insurance reimbursement and is considered a safe and effective treatment for fetal depression.

”Happy kids will be born. None of this crying and whimpering. “Instead”, said Tony Goomba, spokesperson for the ADI, “kids will emerge laughing, smiling, and chuckling. Parents are really gonna be happy with this.”

In a confidential memo to stockholders, Goomba has said that “We’ve got people covered with SSRI’s from womb to tomb. It’s beyond our wildest dreams!”

Stock prices for the ADI companies have shot up this week, in anticipation of a nationwide advertising blitz asking people to “Check with your doctors and see if an SSRI is right for your fetus”.

”Incidentally, studies have shown them to be safe, well tolerated, and there has not been a single case of fetal suicide recorded as the result of intra-uterine administration”. According to Goomba, “There has never been another drug that has that kind of safety record, but we’re trying to develop one now, based on Cialis. If it works, it’ll give kids a real heads up.

The Wake-up Call

It’s about 4:22 in the morning, and the phone just rang.

Me: hlmro?
Client: Dr. Froman, I’m sorry to bother you at this hour, but I’ve got a problem.

M: Wszit

C: My daughter Trish didn’t come home last night, and we’re prettyworried about her.
M: Yrdtr dincmhom?

C: Yes, Dr. Froman. It’s nearly 4:30 and I don’t know what to do.

I’m trying to wake up. Really. This is not a good situation. But I’vegot two problems. My mouth must have been open while I slept and I don’t have any lubricating saliva. And I have absolutely no idea who I’m talking to.

M: Yoowreed?

C: I’m really worried, Dr. Froman. (I wish she’d stop calling me that.At this hour, I don’t feel like Dr. Anybody, except, perhaps, Dr. Sleepy),

M: Telmewhtttttthpend.

(I’m starting to sound nearly intelligible. That’s good. But now I findthat really need to go to the bathroom. But I can’t leave Trish’smother. Then I start wondering. Who in the world is Trish, and do I ask who this is I’m talking to. I need more data. I need sleep. I need to pee.)

C: We had an argument last night and she didn’t come home. Dr. Froman, I’m worried.
M: (My mind is starting to awaken. I’ve got to find out who this is. Thecuriosity is starting to get to me). Plgszfgvmeee, butemnot shoorwhozssez.

C: Oh Dr. Froman, I’m sorry. My name is Harriet. Harriet Stowe. AndTrish is my daughter.

M: (I have no idea who this is. Oh dear, if I can make it to mycomputer, I can dial into my office and access her file. And pee whileI’m waiting for the connection. Both would be good ideas. Increasinglygood. I could use some water too. It’s terrible thing to have when you’ve just been awakened, but at least I could produce usable speech.)

M: CodI axu dodosmthig? I ned to uh...I ah..ned to uh...pee...I men, seesmthg anile beritbak. Hodafon.

M: (Quick. Water. Ahhhh. Pee. Ahhh. Now who in the hell is Harriet? I hit the computer, and dial into work. It takes a minute, and I get the damned password wrong. Oh no. CAPS LOCK IS ON. WHERE IN THE HELL DID THEY PUT THE CAPS LOCK KEY? There. Yes. Small text. I’m in. Here’s my notes from the last 12 years. Stowe? There IS no STOWE!)

M: Mrs. Stowe? Do I know you?

C: Dr. Froman, we’ve never actually met, but you did a Social Securityexam once for my brother, and he liked you a lot. The exam helped him get benefits. His name was Boyd.

M: (I don’t remember him either, but there he is. I saw him in 1992 foran IQ test. It was 59. And I’m talking to his sister. His biological sister. And it’s 4:30 in the morning. Is something wrong with this picture?)

M: Mrs. Stowe…

C: Call me Harriet. Everyone calls me Harriet.

M: Harriet, I don’t know what to say to you. I would assist you if youwere my client, but I don’t know you or your situation. Have you calledeveryone you know to see where your daughter might be?

C: Oh I know exactly where she is. She’s with Tom, that no-goodboyfriend of hers. Dr. Froman, I’ve told her a dozen times that he’s nogood but she doesn’t believe me. How can I convince her to leave him?

M: Harriet, (I’m using her name a lot so I won’t forget it. One eyejust opened. The other is trying to.) Just how old is Trish?

C: She’s 24.

M: (My brain is trying to think. Is that the age of majority in Illinois? Am I still living in Illinois? THINK, I tell myself. Get out of this).

Laura: UGTAprBlm?

M: (Oh great, Laura’s up. Fortunately, I understand her speech dialect.) No, Laur. Go back to bed. I’m talking to someone for a few minutes.

L: AnewnIno?

M: No, a client.

L: Uwntsumcoffee?

M: No, thanks. I’ll be back to bed in a few minutes.

L: Welllll, okaythen.

M: Harriet, I really regret that I’m not able to do very much at thishour. If you’d like to come in this morning before hours, I’d beonly too happy to talk with you about this matter. But I’m not able tohelp you solve it now.

C: Would I have to pay for the session?

M: Harriet, yes, it’s what I do for a living.

C: <click>

M: (I’m up now. Fully awake. It’s nearly 5 AM. Harriet’s gone. Dr. Sleep is slowly becoming Dr. Froman. Not there yet. Needs at least 2 cups of brew to get all the way. Do I go back to Dr. Sleep? Do I finish becoming Dr. Froman? Maybe I’ll just rest my eyes for a...)

Phone: <ring>

M: Hello?

C: Dr. Froman, this is Harriet. We must have been disconnected. I’msorry. Trish just came home. I just wanted to tell you she’s here andshe’s ok.

M: Well, thank you so much for calling. I’m happy she’s home.

C: Thank you for your help, Dr. Froman. My brother said that I should always call you if something happens. Thank you.

M: You’re welcome.

<click>

I’m up. Coffee’s sounding pretty good now. Laura went back to sleep.Maybe some CNN now. Dr. Sleep”.

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