New & Noteworthy in Mental Health
Ari Tuckman
Apple Computers is selling a new mp3 player targeted to codependents. The unit will be titled the uPod and will come pre-loaded with Whitney Houston’s “I Will Always Love You.” In order for the uPod to function, a specific adapter will be required which unfortunately has been found to be unreliable and problematic in early testing.
The American Psychiatric Association announces that the upcoming DSM-V will contain seven new diagnoses fabricated expressly to piss off the Scientologists. The first one, Dianetics-Induced Psychotic Disorder, will be listed right after ADHD in order to really annoy them.
Order your copies of the upcoming MMPI-3 which contains 782 additional questions, including multiple choice, short answer, and long division. A representative from the publisher announced that this new version will identify all non-bat-related pathology much better than the Rorschach Inkblots do. “In addition, the standard administration time of 3-4 hours means that most clinicians will be able to go to the gym and eat lunch with plenty of time to poke their head in the testing room to wake the client up and remind them of the importance of answering every question.” You can get more information at www.tftftffttffftftftttfftff.com.
Capitalizing on the success of the V-Chip, a device that allows parents to block violent content from their TV, manufacturers will be releasing the L-Chip for use on car stereos. This portable product can be activated by a teenage passenger and will block all lame and embarrassing music when the car comes within 100 feet of another adolescent. Advanced models will also block parents from singing along to the radio. A manufacturer’s rep was quoted as saying. “This technology represents major advances in the prevention of traumatic experiences for teenagers.” A representative of parent groups was not available for comment, but a prepared statement said, “Hey, Bob Denver is cool!” Interestingly, an AARP spokesperson said, “Serves you right. You made us listen to The BeeGees. Sheesh.”
Following the success of his diet book, big boned Dr. Phil has taken on other thorny topics with his patented style of over-simplifying highly complex matters. (Seriously, he has a patent on this stuff and his lawyers will eat you alive if you try to infringe on his empire.) His new book, entitled, “Peace in the Middle East in 3 Easy Steps,” will be released this spring. He is currently at work on “Cold Fusion for Dummies.”
The Family Research Council has been lobbying legislators to force an editing of all of Freud’s work, such that any references to penises will be replaced by the phrase, “A cigar is always a cigar. Period.” The proposed legislation will likely be opposed by immature graduate students who find Freud’s plentiful sexual references to be the only saving grace to their mandatory course on psychoanalytic theory.
Several managed care companies have recently been hiring abusive spouses to serve as their claims reviewers. Following a honeymoon period of paying claims, the abusive spouses begin losing claims inexplicably, then make it up with a paid claim or two and promises that they will change. This time they mean it. You know how important this working relationship is to them. They are not interested in any other therapists. Although some therapists will stay with the managed care company, many of the therapists’ friends will secretly wish that they didn’t.
Claiming that it is far too easy, 49 states’ licensing boards have decided that diagnosing and suggesting treatment plans for the people on reality TV shows does not qualify for CE credits. The one exception was California where the filming of reality TV shows was seen as group therapy. A studio executive was quoted as saying, “We’re hoping that billing insurance will make up some of the short-fall due to lost viewership.” A new slate of truly real reality shows is being proposed wherein people lead quiet and predictable lives where not much really happens.
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