One evening, awaiting a call from an old friend, I received three telemarketing calls in the span of a few minutes. This is an account of the third.

RF: “Hello, Fox residence.”

TM: “Hello! I’m calling for Dr. Ronald Fox, please.” [The voice of a stranger. Definitely not my friend]

RF: [Disappointed and frustrated] “Speaking.”

TM: “Hi Ron. How are you this evening?” [Sounding like I am HIS long lost friend!]

RF: [Wary; wondering who is this stranger with all the false enthusiasm] “I’m doing OK.”

TM: [Barging ahead, speaking rapidly] “Great! I hope I haven’t caught you at a bad time. I don’t make a practice of bothering busy people such as you at home, Ron; but I am calling on behalf of Gibraltar Worldwide Investment Group to tell you about an opportunity that we know smart people like you would find of considerable interest.” [He sounds smooth, self-assured.] “Now, Ron, I’m sure you know that companies of the stature of Gibraltar succeed for one simple reason: they are able to find and recommend solid investments opportunities for their customers. Wouldn’t you agree?”

RF: [Now understanding what this character is up to] “Yes”

TM: “Absolutely,” [Sounding pleased with my astuteness] “If our investors don’t make money, Gibraltar doesn’t either. And let me tell you Gibraltar is one very wealthy firm. Now I only need a few minutes to summarize a very exciting opportunity which Gibraltar has found and then verify a few simple details about your background. We are so certain that you will want to be a part of this opportunity that we will give you $25 just for listening to what I have to say. That’s how confident we are. How does that sound?”

RF: [Appearing to take the bait] “Sounds good. I’m not doing much of anything anyway accept going downstairs to take care of something. I’ve even forgotten what it was I was going to do.”

TM: “[Moving right along] “I’m sure it will come back to you in a moment. Now, the first thing you need to understand about this offer is that Gibraltar itself will take most of the risk,…”

RF: [Interrupting] “I’ll remember it in a little while. Like I said, it is no big deal.”

TM: “As I was saying, your risk is…”

RF: [Breaking in] “I think it was something that I don’t even need to have done until Wednesday. … Tuesday or Wednesday” [Trailing off]

TM: [More firmly] “Good. So anyway, your exposure is very limited and…”

RF: [A bit more certain} “It must be Tuesday, because that is the night I go to choir practice.”

TM: [Trying to get control] “Oh you are in the choir, that’s nice. More people need to participate like that. Now, I don’t want to waste your time, so let me…”

RF: “Of course, it could be Wednesday, because that’s when I play bingo at the Y. You see I remember things I have to do by associating them with what else is going on that day. It’s a little trick I picked up from Art Linkletter on TV one time. It must be Wednesday.”

TM: “I’m glad you got that straightened out. Moving along, you do understand that although Gibraltar assumes most of the risk, individual investors will bear some small risk as well. That is…”

RF: I remember now. It is Tuesday, just like I first said. See, I was getting it mixed up because we changed choir practice day because our director was going on vacation. Anyway, it really doesn’t matter, it is not until next week.”

TM: [Starting to sound frustrated] “I know how busy you are, so I will try to wrap this up quickly if you will just…”

RF: [Knowing that now HE is hooked and playing him like a banjo] “No. Now it got it! We changed choir practices from Tuesday to Wednesday, so it must have been Wednesday all along. Yes. I’m sure of it! And I can always verify it with my next-door neighbor, when she gets back from the beach. She is in the choir too, and she never misses a practice. I can’t recall a single time when she wasn’t there. Of course she may have missed one when I wasn’t there myself, like when I had my gall bladder taken out, but I doubt it. Anyway, I know she will know when it is. It is either Tuesday or Wednesday, but I believe it is Wednesday.”

TM: [Quickly jumping in. Strained] “As you say, it doesn’t really matter which day because it is not until next week and you can check it out for certain with your neighbor. Now, as I was saying…”

RF: [With sudden insight] “The thing is, I could figure out which day it is if I knew what I was going downstairs to do when you called. I think it was something about a receipt, or a letter that came yesterday, I can’t quite recall, but it is right on the edge of my mind, if you know what I mean… I just can’t quite grab it.”

TM: [Rushing in] “I’m sure you will recall it in good time, sir.’ [Almost pleading] “ If I could have your attention, I…”

RF: [Hopefully} “Do you remember?”

TM: [Warily] “Do I remember what?”

RF: “What I was going downstairs to do.”

TM: [Impatience breaking through] “Of course I don’t remember! It had nothing to do with me. I was only trying to describe an investment opportunity which I think you would find highly interesting if you would just let me continue…”

RF: “Investments? Did you say investments?”

TM: “Yes!” [Relieved, finally getting through] “What did you think I was talking about?’

RF: “Well I’m sure I don’t know. I thought you called about vestments … you know, robes for the choir. I’ve been looking into how much new ones would cost. They are a lot more expensive than people think, I can tell you. You don’t sell them, then?”

TM: [Sees that the fish may be wiggling off the hook] “No, I do not sell choir robes. Why would you think that? I’m talking about INVESTMENTS! IN vestments! If I had an uninterrupted moment to explain, I think I could …”

RF: “I don’t have investments. I got rid of those years ago when I retired. Didn’t I?”

TM: [Long pause] “Is you wife home?”

RF: [Sinking the hook and reeling him in]: “Not at the moment. She went to the grocery store .. or the cleaners, or someplace to get something. She’ll be back any minute. She said she was going to the store to pick up something … or was she going the laundry? Yes, it probably was the cleaners because she went to the grocery store this morning …or was it yesterday? Well, it was either the grocery or the cleaners. I’m almost positive that it was the grocery store because she always goes there on Tuesdays but this week she had to go on a different day to get some supplies for her cousin Martha who still can’t get out on account of breaking her leg when she fell on the ice last winter. I mean she is not helpless or anything but she has some problems and my wife doesn’t mind helping out. Hello? Are you still there? I’m sure she would like to talk to you. Hello? Hello?

I think we got disconnected. You know how telephones are.

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