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No one ever said being the parent of a teenager is easy. But successful parents tend to be those who engage their child and clearly state their expectations for certain behaviors. In fact, a University of Minnesota study found that parental expectations play a major role in determining adolescents' behavior through the twelfth grade, regardless of family income, race, or the number of parents in the home.

So how can parents allow teens to earn more independence while continuing to provide guidance and appropriate discipline? And how do parents know if their expectations are too high or too low?

Remember that teenagers must become independent to become adults. And it is the parent’s responsibility to prepare their children for independent living. That means teaching the teen everything about managing his or her affairs from cooking and time management to
negotiating relationships and conflict resolution.

Adolescents are learning how to separate from their parents and establish their own identity. As the adolescent presses for greater autonomy, parents must give it with discretion. Give the young person increasing amounts of responsibility for managing the affairs of the household. Children will signal if the pace of increasing responsibility is proceeding too quickly or too slowly. Too much delegation too early can lead to rebelliousness and “getting caught” at activities about which the parents would disapprove. Too much continued management or oppression can lead to sullenness, overt defiance, or self-sabotaging conduct.

Later, parents may opt to reduce or stop giving unsolicited advice and instead include the teen when making decisions regarding when to return home, lights out, and where they are allowed to go. Parents therefore transition from giving permission to requiring information about the young person’s plans.

While all adolescents are individuals, there are some basic challenges each parent faces with them. A parent’s authority is often challenged as children enter and move through their adolescent years. Maintaining open lines of communication and clear yet negotiable boundaries may prove useful in minimizing major conflicts. A psychologist may be called to help if conflicts cannot be resolved. The psychologist can help parents develop the skills and strategies needed to, in turn, help the teenager successfully navigate the many challenges of adolescence. Your readers can go to www.division42.org for a copy of Tips for Coping with Adolescents.

The American Psychological Association’s (APA) Psychologists in Independent Practice would like to offer a psychologist in your area to speak with you on this subject. APA’s Psychologists in Independent Practice represents independent psychologists, each of whom is a doctoral level professional licensed by his or her particular state. When you need to talk to someone who can help, you need an experienced, licensed psychologist. I look forward to speaking with you.

Sincerely,

Psychologists in Independent Practice...personal, confidential, private

Tips for Coping with Adolescents

• Do set limits. Early and middle adolescents need the safe boundaries provided in which to grow and function.
• Teasing an adolescent child about physical changes is inappropriate because it may cause self-consciousness and embarrassment.
• Adolescents require privacy. Ideally the youth should be allowed to have his or her own room, but if this is not possible some private space needs to be allotted.
• Parents need to remember that the adolescent's interest in body changes and sexual topics is a natural, normal development and does not necessarily indicate movement into sexual activity.
• Parents must prepare their children for independent living. Teach the teen to manage his or her own affairs including cooking, cleaning, laundry, writing checks, making a budget, handling credit, driving, taking care of health, balancing work and recreation, time management, and decision making.
• Parents need to recognize and be prepared for commonly occurring conflicts that may develop in parenting adolescents. The experience may be influenced by unresolved issues from their own childhoods as well as unresolved issues from the adolescent's earlier years.
• Parents can anticipate their positions of authority to be repeatedly challenged as children enter and move through their adolescent years. Maintaining open lines of communication and clear, yet negotiable, limits may prove useful in minimizing major conflicts.
• Be a good role model. If you want a teen to behave in certain ways, it is very important that parents also behave in these ways. Modeling is a large part of what adolescents learn.
• Remain a constant and consistent figure. Be available as a sounding board for the youth's ideas without dominating and overtaking the emerging, independent identity of the young person.
• Use resources. Remember that parents don’t have to go it alone. Psychologists are frequently contacted to assist parents with common problems such as:

• How to set limits without conflicts
• Concern about grade changes
• Concern about behavioral changes, sullenness or troubled friends

Remember. When you need to talk to someone who can help, you need an experienced, licensed psychologist.