Parenting a Toddler

[date]

Dear Medical/Health Reporter:

Expectations are a powerful thing. Knowing what expectations someone has for us is like knowing the rules to a game. Parents of toddlers have expectations for certain behaviors and for when those behaviors should be exhibited. But when these expectations are not met, tension can arise. Beginning at about 18 months, parents will be teaching new 'rules' to the toddler for all sorts of conduct including bowel and bladder training. At the same time that the child's expanding capabilities require parents to begin to teach the child self-control and self-restraint, the child has developed a new and powerful sense of self and begins to assert his or her 'will' quite insistently.

So how do parents determine what are appropriate socialization expectations for toddlers? And are their expectations realistic or too high or too low? Look at the temperament, stage of development, and environment of your child. Talk with other parents. Recognize that if a parent frequently feels 'let down' by a child's behavior, this may be a sign that parental expectations are unrealistic.

It is important for parents to let children know what the family's expectations are and what the consequences will be if they are not met. For toddlers, though, keep the rules simple. State your expectations before beginning an activity so the child can focus on what to do instead of on what not to do. Recognize and praise good behavior and efforts. Researchers have found that parents of toddlers who exhibited frequent defiance, prolonged tantrums, and physical aggression were able to turn their kids around by using positive-reinforcement techniques. Every child will have an occasional bad day. If there are too many of these, a psychologist can help parents become more clear about whether they are demanding too much or too little of their toddler and can help parents to modify their teaching and discipline techniques if these do not seem to be motivating the child properly. Be particularly sensitive to the need to seek some parent counseling if your child is experiencing persistent problems that interrupt his or her interaction with other children, if your child shows signs of social withdrawal, an inability to focus his or her attention, or is impulsive and unduly aggressive.

As a member of the Psychologists in Independent Practice, a Division of the American Psychological Association (APA), I would be happy to speak with you on this subject. APA's Psychologists in Independent Practice represents independent psychologists, each of whom is a doctoral level professional licensed by his or her particular state. When you need to talk to someone who can help, you need an experienced, licensed psychologist. I look forward to speaking with you.

Sincerely,

[Your name]

[Your phone number]

Psychologists in Independent Practice...personal, confidential, private

Tips for Coping with Toddlers

• Remember that children need to be sufficiently mature to be able to conform to your expectations and that rushing them or pressing for "proper" behavior when children aren't developmentally ready can lead to frustration for everyone.
• Look at the temperament, stage of development, and environment of your child. Do not compare your child with his/her siblings. There is a range of what is normal. Talk with other parents.
• Do set norms. Children need to learn to be more self-contained and 'grown up' even if the learning is accompanied by some tension.
• Keep the rules simple.
• Pick your battles and limit them to the most important things.
• Remember that your child may need several trials before learning a new task. Be patient. Give prompts BEFORE the toddler will be engaging in an activity that is being learned (e.g.,"Now remember to put your napkin in your lap when you sit down for dinner.")
• Be a good role model. If you want a toddler/child to behave in certain ways, it is very important that parents also behave in these ways. Modeling is a large part of what children learn.
• Acknowledge and reward good behavior and efforts, over and over again. And try to show the child how to comply and please you rather than scolding or punishing for 'bad' behavior (e.g., "How wonderful! You sat in the market cart for a long time while Daddy pushed it around, and you listened without crying when I told you that you could not have the candy. That was hard! Way to go!")

Use resources. Remember that parents don't have to go it alone. Psychologists are frequently contacted to assist parents with common problems such as:

• how to get a toddler to sleep through the night in his or her own room
• how to get a child to be more flexible and to deal with shifts in focus
• how to get a child to listen or obey and help the parents with child versus parental control issues

Remember. When you need to talk to someone who can help, you need an experienced, licensed psychologist.