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Dealing With a Terminal Illness in the Family
ByHeather Lehr Wagner. Philadelphia: Chelsea House Publishers, 2002. 60 pp. $20.75 (Hardcover)
The teenage years are difficult years in which adolescents are faced with adversity and ongoing challenges that often result in loneliness and few confidants to turn to. Dealing With a Terminal Illness in the Family by Heather Lehr Wagner addresses how a teenager might handle having a family member diagnosed with a terminal illness. Additionally, Wagner discusses issues pertaining to coping with the diagnosis, treatment and eventual death of a family member, while specifically discussing the deaths of a sibling, parent, or grandparent. Dealing with a Terminal Illness in the Family is part of the Focus on Family Matters series geared towards teens that centers on presenting information about how to cope when bad things occur. This book attends to the entire grieving and death process, ranging from possible emotions experiences during the initial discovery of a family member’s illness to the emotions that remain after their loved one has passed away. One of the positive aspects of this book is that it provides comfort and support by normalizing adolescents’ potential feelings ranging from anger to hatred of the one suffering from the terminal illness. This book may be appropriate for teenagers who have one or more family members currently dealing with a terminal illness, or who have since passed away.
Dealing with Terminal Illness in the Family is divided into six chapters corresponding to the general progression that might occur upon a family member being struck with a terminal illness. Wagner begins by defining the term “terminal illness” to the reader followed by mentioning the array of feelings associated with the diagnosis, including conveying to the reader that it is typical to desire their lives to return to normality or experience anger towards the ill person for disrupting their life and receiving all of the attention. Wagner discusses questions that teenagers with an ill family member potentially grapple with. These include whether or not to discuss positive occurrences, should they continue to go to school and participate in extra-curricular activities or should they take on additional responsibility at home and care for their loved one and the remaining family members?
Understanding and recognizing one’s emotions becomes an essential component to dealing with a family member’s illness. Kubler Ross’s five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance are defined and expanded on in an age appropriate manner utilizing rhetorical questions and consistently using the word “we” throughout the duration of the book, in an attempt to demonstrate to the reader they are not alone. Changes in a family’s schedule and the adjustments that take place at each stage of a family member’s illness, ranging from lack of attention directed towards other siblings to accepting additional responsibility due to the illness of a parent are often only a few examples of the manifestations of a family member’s illness. The struggle to “fit” into a new place in the family after a death of a sibling, changing your position in the family from middle child to oldest, is yet only another issue that a teenager is forced to struggle with. Wagner does an exceptional job at describing the missing family member as a “puzzle piece”, indicating that a lost parent or sibling is irreplaceable and that without that puzzle piece, the family will remain forever incomplete.
Saying goodbye to someone we love is a task that is never easy regardless of one’s age. Wagner highlights to the reader that one of the benefits, if there are any, to a terminal illness is allowing the opportunity to spend time with your loved one appreciating every moment you have with them, and communicating to them the significance they played in your life. The ultimate goal, according to Wagner, is to feel as though your appreciation and love for that family member was conveyed to them prior to their death. This enables the griever to continue living void of guilt and regret of what he or she should have said or done. Depending on one’s religious beliefs, different ways of commemorating the family member’s life are discussed. Wagner provides suggestions to the reader for ways to heal from a loved one’s death ranging from expressing one’s feelings in a journal to supplying websites that serve as excellent resources for information and listings of national support groups. One of the most important and comforting messages Wagner conveys to the reader is that life will go on after a loved one’s death, ensuring the reader that the pain might subside, but that they will never forget their family member.
There are many strengths and benefits to using this book as a bibliotherapeutic tool. Each chapter begins with a specific story that contains recounts or details of their family member’s illness and how it altered or impacted them or their family. Often the stories pertained to the topics addressed in the chapter. For example, in the “Saying Good-bye” chapter, a Donna describes how she initially acted brave in front of her father when bringing him items in bed, and how eventually his father told her he would miss her. After he told her this, she expressed her feelings, and the story concludes with her explaining that while she felt sad when he passed away, she was happy that she was given the opportunity to share her feelings with her father. Stories similar to these provide specific examples to readers, thereby further demonstrating to them they are not alone, while at the same time supplying them with information as to what could possibly occur in the future as the illness progresses. These stories are further referenced throughout the chapter to illustrate some of the topics discussed.
One of the techniques that Wagner utilizes is that she includes boxed questions located on the side of the text interspersed throughout the chapters. These boxed questions include, “How would you deal with your anger if a family member was diagnosed with a terminal illness?” or “What would you say to your mother or father if you knew they were dying?” By using these questions, Wagner not only demonstrates a potential interactive component, but further allows the reader to explore and work through some of their potential feelings he or she may be experiencing that might be difficult to express. Additionally, this book serves as an educational resource, defining medical terms or concepts that are in bold, such as terminal or chemotherapy that are otherwise unfamiliar and typically absent from an adolescent’s vocabulary. A glossary containing these terms is provided in the back of the book. Wagner further provides additional resources, including books and websites that can be valuable in dealing with a family member’s terminal illness.
The book Dealing with Terminal Illness in the Family can be very valuable in conjunction with psychotherapy. Since this book takes the reader through the journey of dealing with a terminal illness in the family, beginning with the diagnosis and concluding with life after the family member passes away, it could benefit adolescents whose family members are at different points in their illness. This book in its entirety or selected chapters can be assigned by the psychotherapist in response to the issue the adolescent is in particularly dealing with. Upon reading the chapters prior to the session, the questions throughout the chapters could be utilized for exploration and discussion during the session with the psychotherapist. Additionally, the chapter on Kubler Ross’s stages of grief, provides a pithy and understandable explanation as to the various stages, which could enable the adolescent to recognize not only the stage they are currently in but in addition assist them in dealing with their family member’s illness. Overall, this book is an age-appropriate explanation and therapeutic tool for adolescents experiencing terminal illness in their family. It provides the reader with information that might not otherwise be explained to them and enables them to explore their feelings related to the loss of not only their family member but to the life they once knew. It communicates hope to teens and demonstrates that while bad things do occur and cannot be reversed, they possess the potential to face adversity, continue on with life, and develop into successful adults.