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The Dance of Anger
By Harriet Goldhor Lerner. New York: Harper and Row Publishers, 1985, 239pp., $9.95.
The Dance of Anger, by Harriet Goldhor Lerner, would be useful for bibliotherapy pertaining to the subject of anger, specifically relationships involving the unhealthy expression of anger. This book is a quick, two hundred and thirty-nine page, read. Lerner writes at a level that can be understood by the general public, although some jargon is used throughout the book. The jargon is mostly defined through the use of vignettes and examples, allowing for fairly easy comprehension.
The Dance of Anger is appropriate for adolescents and adults. This book, however, is above a child’s reading level and the subject matter does not apply to children. Lerner writes with women in mind as her audience, but men also could gain much from this book, specifically, insight as to how anger is expressed in a relationship. The subject of the book is anger, but the focus is on how to use anger in a positive manner to change maladaptive relationships. Lerner discusses ways in which anger can be manifested in women’s lives, then specifically describes scenarios in which women experience anger in relationships with family members, and finally provides guidelines for using anger to change relationships.
In a clinical setting, this book would be useful to a client having difficulty managing anger, especially anger in family relationships. Although this book could be prescribed in its entirety, it maybe more effective to assign, as bibliotherapy, only the chapters pertinent to a particular client’s situation. Most clients would benefit from the first and last chapters. The first chapter describes how anger can be used in a positive manner in order to initiate change, while the last chapter assists one in defining how anger functions in her life and what can be done to change maladaptive patterns. Besides the first and last chapters, a chapter focusing on a particular relationship would benefit a client. For example, a client having difficulty with anger in her relationship with her husband might benefit from chapter three and the last chapter. Chapter three, Circular Dances in Couples: When Getting Angry is Getting Nowhere, addresses issues that couples face when they habitually argue. This book would also be useful in couples counseling. Although Lerner focuses on women as her audience, it could be extremely helpful to a woman’s partner to better understand how anger is functioning in his relationship. Chapter two, Old Moves, New Moves, and Countermoves, should only be assigned as bibliotherapy when necessary, to an intellectually capable person as the chapter is laden with jargon, and can be quite confusing.
The Dance of Anger addresses the function of anger in a general sense as well as in specific relationships, and provides step-by-step information for those who wish to change. In the first chapter, Lerner outlines her purpose for writing this book. She explains that she hopes her readers will learn to develop anger as a tool for change by better understanding the source and context in which anger occurs. Lerner is careful not to give the reader false hope and emphasizes that change is a slow process because anger serves a purpose, even if that purpose is maladaptive. The second chapter deals more specifically with the pattern of maladaptive anger. This chapter consists of many technical terms addressing specific aspects of a troubled relationship. For example, underfunctioning refers to men who approach emotional matters from an intellectual perspective, while overfunctioning is characteristic of women who approach a situation with more than enough emotions to make up for her husband’s lack thereof. This becomes a vicious cycle because as the woman overfunctions, she allows the man to continue to underfunction and vice versa. Lerner also discusses some necessary aspects of a relationship that are often missing when anger prevails. For example, she explains that it is important for each partner to have a balance between independence and togetherness within the relationship.
From this point on, each chapter addresses a specific type of relationship and what part anger plays in it. Through the use of vignettes, Lerner discusses different relationship dynamics. For example, the emotional pursuer, often the woman, seeks emotional contact from the emotional distancer, often the man. Lerner also discusses how repeating the same arguments protects a couple from the anxiety involved in changing. Another specific dyad Lerner addresses is the mother daughter relationship. Lerner discusses the challenge of breaking the rigid relationship patterns established by the family. She stresses that independence does not mean distance, but rather can allow a daughter to share more of herself with her mother. At this point, Lerner breaks from her relationship-focused chapters to remind her reader how to use anger as a tool for change. Anger challenges people to be experts about themselves instead of others. Lerner reminds the reader that people often unconsciously ignore the warning signs of anger because of their fear of change. After teaching her reader the importance of listening to anger, Lerner devotes some time to discussing anger within a generational family system. Lerner makes the point that many relationship patterns, especially those based on anger, are repeated generation after generation. She challenges her readers to learn about their legacy in order to better understand their current situations. For example, Lerner describes a woman trying to care for her aging father at the same time as she is trying to manage her own life. This woman discovers that half of the women in her family cared for their aging parents to the neglect of their own lives and half of the women gave of themselves selflessly. This information sheds some light on established patterns of functioning and allows the woman in the example to make some informed decisions about her life.
Lerner then raises an important question: “Who’s responsible for what?” The reader is taught to observe her situation, determine the pattern that has functioned over the generations, and cease to perpetuate maladaptive patterns. Lerner also cautions the reader to be aware of family members who will try to get one to change back to old ways of functioning. Lerner then moves to a discussion of triangles. Relationship triangles serve the purpose of reducing anxiety between the two people who are arguing because the triangle shifts the focus to the third person rather than the conflict. Although this purpose is served, Lerner emphasizes that triangles simply allow people to avoid the conflict while prohibiting change. Triangles must be avoided at work as well as within the family, Lerner explains. Finally, Lerner ends with a discussion of steps the reader can take to avoid anger in her relationships. Lerner stresses the importance of breaking the maladaptive cycle of anger, more clearly defining the self, and taking small steps toward change. Lerner cautions the reader to avoid triangular relationships and to be prepared for resistance to change back from those family members who desire to maintain the comfortable maladaptive relationship patterns.
The most obvious weakness of this book is Lerner’s use of jargon. Lerner explains that she wishes to sacrifice theory for usefulness. While a book laden with theory would most likely not be helpful to a client, the lack of theory of this book may actually be confusing to the reader. Lerner introduces terms such as de-selfing, underfunctioning, and pursuers that are not clearly defined when introduced, enabling the reader to easily become lost in the jargon. If Lerner had devoted more time from the onset to develop her terms, rather than rely on examples to clarify them, her message may be more easily understood. Introducing isolated terms in absence of a theory gives the reader no framework from which to understand the terms. However, this weakness can be addressed by the therapist’s use of bibliotherapy and should not greatly hinder the usefulness of the book. In addition, the order of the chapters can be a bit confusing. Lerner begins with a general discussion of anger and proceeds to alternate specific relationship examples with more general information regarding anger patterns. It might be easier for a client to read the entire book if it were ordered with general information about anger first, specific relationship examples, recognizing anger in order to use it for change, and finally steps to making maladaptive pattern changes.
Despite The Dance With Anger’s weaknesses, Lerner does an excellent job of illustrating her message through the use of examples and vignettes. For example, Lerner creates characters to demonstrate relationship patterns, rather than simply explaining the patterns. Lerner uses the same characters throughout each chapter and emphasizes her point to the reader by ending the chapter with a summary and explanation of her characters, allowing the reader to apply the example to her own life.
As soon as client can get past the jargon and somewhat confusing order of the book, one could greatly benefit from the information illustrated through vignettes. This book would be most useful in a bibliotherapy setting where the client would be guided by the therapist in order to ensure that she does not become lost in the jargon. Despite its weaknesses, the information provided by Lerner would be valuable to a client attempting to change her lifestyle to avoid maladaptive anger patterns.