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Fatherless women: How we change after we lose our dads
By Clea Simon. New York, NY: John Wiley and Sons, 2001, 219 pages, $14.95.
Through her own personal experience of losing her father to cancer and interviews with many women who have also experienced the death of a father, Clea Simon has put together a comprehensive book about what can often be a life changing event. This book is written specifically for women who have survived their fathers but may also be useful for significant family members, friends, or caregivers of women who have recently lost their father. Additionally, women whose fathers are still living may benefit from reading this book as it can give valuable insight into the relationships between fathers and daughters and how these relationships influence and shape a woman’s life both while her father is alive and after he has passed away. This book is probably not appropriate for those younger than early adolescence as it deals with topics such as death, illness, and sex, which may need to be explained in a different manner to a younger child. Additionally, reading the book requires at least a high school reading level.
The author illuminates several patterns that are visible in father-daughter relationships and explains their impact on the developing woman. She does this with great insight into current day expectations and dynamics. For example, she discusses the reliance on the father for guidance in education, business, and the “real world.” Although mothers (in past generations) were not often seen as competent in these areas, we know that as women of this generation we are expected to be successful in academics and professional careers. Therefore women today are more likely to seek guidance on these areas from fathers rather than mothers. The author also discusses how crucial fathers are in a daughter’s development whether they have a “close” relationship with them or not. She describes fathers as the first “outsiders” or “others” in a girl’s life, the first person that she can label herself as different from, and perhaps most importantly, the first opposite-sex love object. The author suggests that fathers set the stage for daughters self- esteem, as they are the first gauges of her worthiness.
Each section of the book describes a different aspect of life, grief, change, or struggle that may be encountered when a woman’s father passes away. The author is careful to make the book relevant to women at any stage of life by tying in information and first hand accounts of women from several different situations. The book describes how a woman may feel free to make new decisions or changes in her job, romantic life, living situation, or any other area after her father has passed away. This ability or desire to make a change may stem from the fact that a daughter’s need to please her father or compulsion to follow his advice or directives is suddenly lifted once the father is no longer an active presence. Changes that occur in women’s lives after their fathers pass away are the focus of the book, however, the author also explores how the relationship with the father does not die when the father does, it just changes a bit. Additionally, she addresses how a daughter’s relationship with her widowed mother might change after the father has passed away along with other changes in family dynamics when the patriarch is gone.
A major strength of this book is that it attempts to illuminate the intricacies of the father-daughter relationships and the impact of the father’s death on the daughter’s life from many points of view. The author does not attempt to generalize which makes the book relevant and readable for a wide range of women. Another strength of the book is that the author gives a list of “suggested reading” in the back that may be useful for women who would like to continue to explore this topic. If there is a weakness to this book it is that it can seem repetitive at times, as the author goes through each section with similar style and information.
This book would be useful in conjunction with ongoing psychotherapy. A woman grappling with the effects of the loss of her father would benefit from reading the book in its entirety, or even just pertinent sections, and using the ideas in the book as a springboard for discussion and exploration of her relationship with her father and her own experiences since his death. For example, the therapist may wish to assign certain chapters for his or her client to read and then discuss how she can relate to the author’s experiences. More specifically, a chapter addressing the types of relationships fathers and daughters may have can be read to stimulate thought and discussion regarding the client’s relationship with her own father. Another section of the book deals with the changes that are likely to occur in a woman’s life after her father passes away. This section can be assigned or read together and discussed in the psychotherapy session to gain better insight into changes in the client’s own life while dealing with the death of her father. Overall, this book may help a client to more fully face or understand the impact her relationship with her father has had on her life allowing her to more fully explore the ramifications of his death in the psychotherapy session.