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When Helping You is Hurting Me.
By Carmen Renee Berry. San Francisco: HarperCollins, 1989, 130 pp., $8.95.
The book, When Helping You is Hurting Me, addresses what the author, Carmen Berry, calls the “Messiah trap”, which is defined as persistent situations where individuals are constantly pushing their needs aside in order to spend most of their time helping others. Through the use of case studies of members from individual and group therapy and her own clinical experience, Berry describes the traits that are characteristic of Messiahs, irrational thoughts that motivate behaviors, what kinds of family situations bring about the behaviors, typology of Messiahs, and the steps one can take in order to end the “Messiah trap”. The author further asserts that the book challenges individuals’ self-perceptions and relationships with others, which will help them to find the strength to break free of the trap.
When Helping You is Hurting Me details the process in which readers may become aware of their behaviors, which is reflected in the organization of the chapters. In the first chapter, "What Is the Messiah Trap", Berry explains what the term means and provides some everyday examples the reader might relate to. The theme of defining the concept and the corresponding behaviors, feelings, and thoughts, is continued in Chapters Four and Five entitled, "What Are the Eight Messiah Characteristics" and "What Kind of Messiah Are You?" These chapters may be especially helpful for clients who are in the initial stages of psychotherapy and want to be further educated about their behaviors.
The rest of the book concentrates on identifying childhood situations that are responsible for development of the individual’s coping responses and how these responses affect relationships with other people. In these sections, Berry places an emphasis on individuals helping themselves by confronting and acknowledging previous experiences that were traumatic. She goes further to encourage the person playing the “Messiah” role to confront the negative consequences these behaviors may have on other people, which range from undermining the other person’s self-esteem through the promotion of dependency to avoiding intimacy.
The book would be quite useful when treating individuals who are dealing with self-esteem issues that often result from abandonment, neglect, and abuse, and are dealt through some form of co-dependent behavior. Not only does it include case studies of clients that provide examples of concepts and situations, the book is free of technical jargon, which makes it a quick read. Given this, a client could be assigned the book in its entirety to read. However, the book could be assigned in sections when appropriate for the client as well. While the author does illustrate the problem in children, who act as peacemakers between parents at the expense of their own mental well being, the recommended audience would be older adolescents and adults due to the reading-level and content (one of the case studies describes an individual who was sexually abused as a child). In addition, the book could be used in conjunction with both individual and group psychotherapy. For example, a group led by a psychotherapist could discuss the types of situations to look for (or bait, as Berry puts it) that elicits their maladaptive behaviors, as outlined in Chapter 7: How to Escape the Messiah Trap. By being aware of these situations and sharing them with group members, clients would receive feedback from members and would be allowed a safe environment in the group to practice new responses.
Psychotherapists would also benefit from reading the book as well, particularly the second appendix. In it, Berry provides the theoretical framework on which she bases the book and a model that addresses the unconscious coping strategies individuals use following childhood victimization, called the Victim-Offender-Messiah (V-O-M) Response Pattern. According to this model, the Messiah is one of the roles a person adopts in an effort to cope with painful past experiences. Berry also outlines the sequence in which these roles appear and differentiates between the three types of roles. While not a wide-ranging explanation for how people respond to being victimized, she goes on to state that the purpose of including this model in the book is to facilitate additional research in the treatment and prevention of child abuse.
The section goes on to discuss trends in literature, provide areas where future research is needed, compare and contrasts the three roles, and highlight issues in treatment for the psychotherapist to consider. Especially important for the clinician to keep in mind is the establishment of proper relationships, where the therapeutic relationships are not based on the V-O-M Response Pattern. According to Berry, this involves being capable of dealing with any countertransference involving the psychotherapist’s own childhood experience. Only then, can the clinician effectively help clients develop alternative coping responses and resolve their victimizing experiences and expectations.
The only limitation found was the book’s slant towards Christianity, which could alienate those who are from a variety of diverse backgrounds. For instance, while religion may play an important role in some people’s lives, this may not be the case for all clients. It should be important for the psychotherapist, when providing treatment to a client who does not identify with Christianity or any other kinds of organized religion, to communicate that the spirituality aspect of healing, as outlined by Berry, does not necessarily entail religion.
However, there are quite a number of strengths to When Helping You is Hurting Me. First of all, the book is short, straightforward in writing style, and can be understood by any layperson. It also acts a guide for seeking treatment, educating the reader as to what look for in a psychotherapist in individual psychotherapy and what to look for in group treatment. For instance, Berry provides a list of qualities one should seek out when considering the services of a particular psychotherapist, comparing the process to “shopping for a car”—both involve an investment of time and money. She also describes other activities one can engage in, outside of psychotherapy, to cope with some of the intense emotions that result from confronting the “Messiah trap”. As discussed earlier, there are sections that are quite helpful for the clinician when conducting psychotherapy. In addition, the book is generalizable enough to use with clients who have experienced most types of abuse or neglect, from emotional to sexual. Finally, through the use of real case studies, Berry conveys the message that the “Messiah trap” is an easy one to fall into and that there is hope of breaking the cycle of irrational thoughts and behaviors.
In sum, Berry’s When Helping You is Hurting Me would be a good choice to use in conjunction with psychotherapy, either in an individual or group setting, with individuals with present co-dependency issues in treatment. While the book is an easy read in its entirety, the psychotherapist also has the option to assign certain chapters. In addition, Berry educates not only the individual seeking psychotherapy, but the psychotherapist as well by making the clinician aware of the treatment issues related to the “Messiah trap”. Overall, the book provides the reader with information to understand issues related to, and find new alternatives for, their self-defeating behaviors.