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Living Through Personal Crisis
By Ann Kaiser Stearns. New York: Ballantine
Books, 1984, 175 pages, $6.99.
Living Through Personal Crisis, by Ann Kaiser Stearns, would be useful for bibliotherapy pertaining to the subject of personal loss. This book was published in 1984 in New York, by Ballantine Books. It can be obtained at a local bookstore, such as Borders, for less than ten dollars. It is a quick, one hundred and seventy page, read. Its clear concise style is at a level that the general public would easily understand. This is true in part because Stearns avoids the use of jargon.
Living Through Personal Crisis is appropriate for adolescents and adults. Although Stearns addresses children occasionally, the book is above a child’s reading level. The subject of the book is loss, but loss can be generalized to apply to any situation that involves an adjustment of lifestyle. Stearns most frequently refers to death and divorce, but also mentions loss of innocence, loss due to illness, and the loss of a relationship.
In a clinical setting this book would be useful to a grieving client, especially one grieving the loss of a loved one. Its usefulness spans to those preparing for loss, those who have recently lost, those in the midst of depression or distress due to loss, and those who have never dealt with their loss. Although this book could be prescribed in its entirety because it is a quick read, it may be more effective to assess which stage of grief a client is currently experiencing and assign only the pertinent chapters as bibliotherapy. For example, a client who is ignoring or refuses to express feelings of anger may learn from Chapter V: Anger and Bitterness Can Be A Good Sign, that anger is a natural and healthy expression of grief. Similarly, a client who lost her husband many years ago, but still experiences occasional symptoms of grief may learn from Chapter XI: Time Does Heal—But There Are Always Scars, that one can complete the grieving process and move on, but will always be affected by the loss. In addition, this book would be useful for the family and friends of a person experiencing grief because it could provide them, through examples, with a better idea of what their loved one was experiencing.
Living Through Personal Crisis addresses the span of the stages of grief beginning with an explanation of the grieving process and ending with how to gain from loss and continue life. Through the use of vignettes, personal experiences, references to professionals, and clinical experience, Stearns provides the reader with much information. Stearns explains that the grief process begins with shock and disbelief and then progresses to sadness and depressed mood. The time frame of grief depends on the type of loss and how it is perceived, but Stearns states that six months to a year is an average grieving period for a significant loss. Stearns is realistic in telling the reader that life will not be the same after a loss. A chapter is devoted to guilt and self-blame. Stearns explains that some feelings of guilt are inevitable, but overwhelming guilt or self-blame is usually a sign that the grieving person is being too hard on himself or herself by accepting blame for the loss. Grieving people often feel that they did not do enough to prevent the loss, but Stearns reminds the readers that often their expectations of themselves are unrealistic. Stearns provides examples of unrealistic guilt such as, “Maybe if I weren’t so selfish and caught up in my work, our marriage could have lasted…” Another chapter is devoted to the physical effects of loss such as body aches, anxiety, and change in appetite and sleep patterns. Stearns not only identifies common physical side effects of grief, but also includes suggestions for dealing with them. For example, four paragraphs are devoted to tips for avoiding insomnia.
Stearns spends time discussing anger and bitterness and how these emotions are part of the healing process because they demonstrate that the grieving person is expressing his or her loss, rather than denying it. Stearns specifically addresses those that do not or cannot express anger and explains that many children are taught by society to suppress the expression of anger, and therefore grow up to be adults who do not know how to convey feelings of anger. Stearns introduces an excellent point that one cannot be forced into grieving and many experience a delayed sense of mourning. This is a message particularly for the friends and family of a loved one who has lost, not to force feelings of grief upon the one who has lost. Although many may resist or deny the feelings of loss, they do not simply go away, but eventually surface, at which point mourning will take place. Stearns explains that when a person does not allow himself or herself to complete the grieving process, he or she will often experience muted feelings of loss, but for a much longer period.
While the first third of the book is mainly dedicated to the actual experience of grief, Stearns devotes the following two thirds of the book to describing ways to help oneself through the grief process, Emphasis is placed on self-help in the sense that the person experiencing loss must focus on his or her needs. Stearns tells the grieving person to label the friends and family in their life as an empathetic person, a basic care provider, or destructive people. She tells the grieving person to avoid the destructive person who is unable to provide support and care in a time of need. A basic care provider is not necessarily a good listener, but is able to provide the assistance that the grieving person needs to continue with everyday life. For example, a basic care provider is able to solve practical problems, sends food, or helps with the housework. She describes an empathetic person as a mental health professional or a good friend who is able to listen. Stearns devotes some time to discussing the transition back to routines, such as work. She says that routines can be therapeutic, but cautions a grieving person not to overwork himself or herself while avoiding feelings of grief.
Stearns challenges her readers to equate grief with healing; the two processes are one in the same. She recommends that people experiencing loss attempt to learn from their loss and integrate their new feelings into their lives. When a grieving person moves on he or she replaces, in a sense, the lost person. A grieving person may turn to others, look within himself or herself, or look to a higher being to fill the emptiness that was lost with the loved one. Stearns reminds the reader that everyone who has lost carries “scars” with him or her. Even when one has completed the grieving process, he or she will still be reminded of the loss throughout his or her life. Stearns also devotes a chapter to professional help—who needs it and how to find it. Stearns deems losses large enough to warrant professional help as occurring usually occur during childhood, extremely traumatic, and when too many crises occur simultaneously.
The only apparent weakness of this book is that it does not provide the reader with any techniques or tips for making the grief processes easier. It would seem logical that a list of what others have found to be comforting or helpful may help those reading this book, but Stearns makes the point that each person must grieve in the way that is most comfortable for him or her. As for the lack of techniques, if this book were properly used in bibliotherapy, the responsibility to provide techniques for relief would fall on the psychotherapist. Therefore, although individuals can benefit from reading this book alone, its greatest benefit would be in conjunction with psychotherapy.
Living Through Personal Crisis has many strengths. The book is short, easy to read, free of jargon, and can be understood by the average person. This is an important point because regardless of content, many people would not read a difficult, long book. The book is not only easy to read, it is also appealing as Stearns demonstrates her point through vignettes and personal experiences. Stearns also validates her clinical experiences by citing information from other professionals in the field of grief, such as Elizabeth Kubler-Ross. Another strength of Living Through Personal Crisis is Stearns’ straightforward style that is to the point; she conveys only pertinent information without excess words. One of the most important beneficial aspects of this book is that it can be generalized to any type of loss. Stearns mentions most often loss through death and divorce, but with the help of a psychotherapist’s guidance, a reader can easily mold Stearns’ message to his or her individual type of loss. Above all, Living Through Personal Crisis would be useful in bibliotherapy because Stearns conveys to the reader that it is “normal” and acceptable to experience the range of emotions such as anger, self-blame, depression, in reaction to his or her loss. She reinforces the idea that the reader is not mentally ill, rather is going through the natural process of grief.
Living Through Personal Crisis would be an excellent choice for bibliotherapy because of the ease with which it can be read and understood. In addition, its organization allows it to be easily broken into sections and assigned as such by a psychotherapist. Finally, this book could provide a grieving person with the information and assurances needed that grief is a natural process, as well as guide the grieving person on a path to a healthy grieving process.