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Raising Children with Character: Parents, trust and the development of personal integrity.
By Elizabeth Berger. New Jersey: Jason Aronson Inc., 1999, 248 pages, $30.00.
Dr. Elizabeth Berger begins her book with the statement that, as a mother, child psychiatrist and educator, this is the book for which she was always searching. She uses the text to attempt to answer what she calls the three most important questions in childrearing: 1) How do children grow in their minds and hearts to be rich inside? 2) What is the parent’s role in that process? 3) What are the common stumbling blocks to a parent’s good intentions? To answer these questions, Berger introduces what she calls the ‘wise parent.’ The wise parent is utilized in every section of the book to uncover the emotional dialogue between parent and child. The wise parent also articulates Berger’s philosophy of childrearing that is both technically and spiritually sound. Berger uses the wise parent, as well as several other techniques, as she walks the parent through each stage of character development, from infancy through adulthood.
When determining the appropriateness of this book for use in psychotherapy, there are two elements which should be taken into consideration, due to the unintended effects these features could have on the client. First, Berger refers to any parent or child as ‘he.’ She explains that she opted to utilize only ‘he’ because the phrase ‘himself or herself’ gets awkward or lengthy and the ‘English language allows for no entirely satisfactory solution’ (pg. xii). She furthers supports her decision by stating that she hopes the use of all male pronouns will highlight that intimate care of children is just as much the concern of the father as it is to the mother. While Berger’s decision does not have an overt impact on the book, it should be considered when recommending this book to clients, as it might make the single mother feel isolated or excluded from the text.
The second aspect that should be considered is that the text uses several psychology terms that might be confusing to the average reader. The book is supposedly designed with both patient and clinician in mind, however at times Berger’s language might be inaccessible to those lacking a psychological background. Berger includes several quotes from Anna and Sigmund Freud and uses terms such as secondary process, transference, and internalized objects. The reading level of this book is not excessively difficult; however, because of the specific language and assumption of prior knowledge, it may be inappropriate for some clients without the necessary explanation from their psychotherapist.
Although the use of pronouns and language may exclude some clients there are several strengths to this book, and it could serve as a powerful therapeutic tool. One such strength is that it spans development from infancy through adult relationships. This wide age range allows the parent to see that the development of character is critical in every stage of their child’s life. This span may alleviate some pressure that parents may be feeling about a ‘critical window’ of character development.
Another advantage of the design of this book is that each chapter can be read individually. The psychotherapist of parents with a 15-year-old daughter can simply assign those chapters that deal directly with the needs of the adolescent. This feature releases the parent from wading through the first 80 pages of development, which are no longer applicable to them. Assigning individual chapters may be beneficial in making the task less overwhelming and more approachable for the overextended parent.
While wide age span and independent chapters are advantages, the greatest strength of this book is in its optimistic attitude that any parent can create children with character. Berger frequently makes comments like, “There is no question that the parent’s love for a child is the most powerful element in the formation of his character” (p. 7). and “Parents can experience great relief in understanding that the child’s falling apart, his ‘back and forthness,’ is only a sign that the child is alive and developing” (p. 81). These comments set a tone of possibility that helps lessen parental anxiety. This tone is not too heavy and may serve as support for clients who seem overwhelmed by the responsibilities of childrearing. In addition, Berger also throws in some lighthearted comments with an empathetic voice, to recognize the challenges and frustrations that all parents experience. These humorous comments invite parents to laugh at their situation as well as recognize that what they are feeling is normal and expected.
However, this optimistic view is not entirely beneficial as a severe limitation of this book is its omission of the practical steps which are needed to actualize this view. In addition, Berger uses this optimistic view as a springboard to her very, very strong opinions on the ‘correct’ way to raise a child. These suggestions could come across as extreme, excessive and overly idealistic. For the parent who is in the middle of a crisis, some of the suggestions might seem unrealistic and impractical. For instance, Berger encourages the parent to have infinite faith in the child’s own desire to become a responsible human being. Initially, this seems like a very positive outlook on childrearing, but the parent who is actually in the thick of raising a child might prefer some practical advice over uplifting euphemisms.
Consider the following example:
Berger suggests that the 13 year old who does not clean his room should never be told he can not watch his favorite television show that night. She takes this one step further by adding that he is entitled to keep every privilege and pleasure. By inflicting a punishment the parent is saying that they do not believe that the child is trying to responsible. The parent has failed to understand that simply because the child has not cleaned his room for the day, it does not mean that he is not responsible. Furthermore, it does not mean that he does not want to be responsible. To punish the adolescent shows a lack of understanding about the developmental process of becoming responsible, one which is full of mistakes and temporary failures. Berger argues that punishment says to the child that ‘you must do everything without ever making an error or else I will lose faith in your ability and intention.’
Berger mockingly refers to these parents as ‘enlightened parents’ because they pride themselves on having matter of factly explained to the child, that because he did not clean his room, he now will not be able to watch his favorite television show. Berger threatens that the child, who learns the pattern that behavior X leads to response Y, will become accustomed to this matter of fact way of interacting with his parents. She says that after years of this conditioning it should be understandable that the child will not express his emotions or share his experiences with his parents. This is because he has been taught that his parents do not see him as a complex and fallible person, but rather as a systematic machine.
This example highlights an overarching weakness of the book. Berger sets standards of the ‘wise parent’ who has everlasting faith in their child’s development, yet provides no practical steps in how to achieve this faith. The parent is left alone, standing in the middle of a messy room, with the sounds of the blaring television from down the hall, and the fears that they have once again fallen short of the ideal.
Although Berger fails to provide practical steps in parenting, she does include several special features which attempt to add clarity to the book. Berger incorporates vignettes at the end of each chapter. These stories allow the reader to gain a better understanding of the topic covered in that section and see how it applies in a real world example. These vignettes are previous clients of the author, so it may also help the parent/client to see how to use therapy to augment their learning. It show be noted however, that all of the vignettes do not have ‘happy endings’ and in some cases therapy did not have a lasting positive impact on the client. If the therapist is utilizing this book as an instillation of hope, they should take special consideration in which chapters they assign.
Although it might seem like a minor point, Berger’s use of italics adds tremendously to the book. She italicizes phrases to add emphasis and impact to key ideas. The phrases that Berger selected are often phrases which parents have a difficult time hearing or accepting. For example she writes: Parents need to be reassured that their children’s eventual well-being in life may be better served by spending more time with the child and less time at work, even if this means less money (p. 130). Another example: A child achieves self-discipline as the product of his intense relationships with parents who are themselves self-disciplined personalities (p. 62). The use of italics allows Berger to emphasize complex and often unpopular ideas, without resorting to didactic language or lengthy moralistic tales.
A special feature for the clinician is the ‘Clinical Consideration’ section also located at the end of each chapter. Berger uses these sections to depict how she addresses clients in that particular stage of character development. She also refers to literature and mentions the theoretical basis for each specific treatment plan. However, this might not be useful for all clinicians as Berger is heavily psychoanalytically aligned and primarily cites only the work of Freud and other forefathers of psychoanalysis. The Clinical Consideration section might not be applicable to those practicing cognitive-behavioral or even client centered therapy, as she never addresses behavior and only rarely alludes to ideation.
A final recommendation is that for the very few select clients who have the necessary educational background, and similar parenting philosophy, this book could serve as an indispensable resource and source of support. Likewise, for the clinician with the required theoretical alignment and specific client need, this book could nicely supplement treatment and save the clinician hours of educating the client in parental practices. Realistically however, within the general population, the extreme views and often unattainable standards of this book might exclude, intimidate, and even anger the parent who is only reaching out for help.
Broken Boys/Mending Men