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If I’m So Wonderful, Why Am I Still Single?
By Susan Page. New York: Three Rivers Press, 2002, 324 pages, $13.00
If I’m so Wonderful, Why Am I Still Single? offers its readers insight into not only why they might be single, but also provides strategies for finding good relationships. In this book, Page seems to define “single” as someone who is dating or is in a relationship, but not married. This book is written in the context of understanding the current status of relationships in our modern society. In her introduction, Page describes what she calls “The Great Emotional Depression,” arguing that current American culture is preoccupied with money and consumerism rather than relationships. In the last chapter, she discusses the sexual revolution and the role of STDs in today’s singles scene. Page focuses many chapters on how to deal with “commitmentphobe” boyfriends/girlfriends and relationships that will never lead to marriage. She also devotes a lengthy chapter to the importance of self-esteem when finding the right mate. Page challenges the reader to become more aware of his or her own feelings toward issues like commitment, intimacy, and being single by assigning thought provoking and reflective exercises throughout the book. Many of these assignments come in the form of reflecting on one’s thoughts and feelings and making lists, others working with rating scales, and still others are more interactive requiring help from a trusted friend. For illustrative purposes, much of the book is also supplemented with real life anecdotes from friends, clients, or the author’s own personal life.
If I’m So Wonderful, Why Am I Still Single? is aimed toward men and women of both heterosexual and homosexual orientation who may be in dead-end relationships or no relationship at all, but want a committed relationship. In Chapter One, Page makes the distinction between a single who truly wants to be in a committed relationship and someone who is ambivalent. If a reader decides that he or she is actually ambivalent and not truly ready for or wanting of a committed relationship, they could stop reading, as Page asserts in Chapter One that this book is not for them. Readers can discover their ambivalence by examining one’s priorities in Experiment #2 (p. 20). If I’m So Wonderful, Why Am I Still Single? seems intended for most age groups, but mainly for those in the workforce. This is because chapter three focuses on ways to meet people around busy work and social schedules rather than class schedules (a common issue among teens and adults in their 20’s), suggesting attending auctions or singles functions which are usually aimed at middle aged groups. However, the insight offered in this book can be useful for younger teens and college-aged readers as well, especially the chapter on self-esteem and self-acceptance. While she makes no specific recommendations for a younger age group, this chapter addresses issues that are paramount for teens and twenty-somethings.
Two major weaknesses of If I’m So Wonderful, Why Am I Still Single? are its lack of empirical research and its length. The entire book is based on the life experience and observations of the author, but not of any research done with singles. While she offers some good hypotheses concerning the current state of relationships, Page has no real evidence to back them up. The length is also a major drawback of this book because readers may lose interest, especially in chapters that do not necessarily apply to them. Assigning chapters that the client may lose interest in could possibly weaken the client-therapist rapport and more-so, increase the chances of the client’s noncompliance. For instance, Chapter 9 talks about fear and the role our defenses play in thwarting our attempts at a meaningful relationship. While there is the chance that a reader may discover some of their own fears in this chapter, others may not benefit from it at all. Throughout the book, Page illustrates her point in each chapter through real life anecdotes that work to keep the reader’s interest, but by the end, are overkill. She explains her point clearly but then goes on to illustrate with numerous anecdotes on the same point, which quickly becomes unnecessary. Page’s inconcise style also gets in the way of keeping the reader’s interest. Page devotes over 40 pages in Chapter 10 to the importance of self-awareness and self-esteem. It would be enough to stress that developing one’s own self-esteem is important for finding a relationship, but she develops almost a mini-self-help book on how to develop one’s self-esteem, surpassing the scope of a single’s book. She does this with numerous time-consuming exercises to develop self-esteem, along with many tips and strategies. While If I’m So Wonderful, Why Am I Still Single? offers insightful strategies, they seem simple enough not to over-elaborate, which Page does. This also ties into the fact that she attempts to confront societal issues such as the sexual revolution and STDs too much. Her basis for doing so is to offer the reader some understanding as to why relationships are the way they are, but she tends to lose focus on the individual. Though her thoughts on some issues are interesting, they seem to go beyond the scope of bibliotherapy for singles in search of a healthy relationship.
If I’m So Wonderful, Why Am I Still Single? does offer thought provoking strategies and assignments. Some readers might leave this book with a better sense of their own issues, and realizing things about themselves they have never considered. Also the assignments make the book more interactive and individualized. These exercises will help a client feel more proactive instead of merely reading a book, and give them a sense that they are doing something to help their situation. In psychotherapy, the therapist can assign exercises as he sees fit, depending on the client’s individual issues regarding relationships. The therapist can also use this book as a form of suggestion, for example, instead of verbally suggesting that their client’s problem may lie in their own self-esteem issues, simply assigning the chapter on self-esteem and letting the client come to their own conclusion, may be more effective. Page leaves the reader not only feeling like there is something they could do, but also feeling good about being single. She argues that just because you want a relationship, does not mean you cannot enjoy being single at the same time. She also offers some hope in her argument against popular “dread statistics” concerning how likely (or unlikely) it is to find a mate. The appendix to If I’m So Wonderful, Why Am I Still Single? may also be useful if a reader is motivated enough to create their own self-help group.
This book requires time and patience on the part of the reader, as well as good social support. Some of the exercises require a close and trusting friend that would be willing to spend time on the reader’s issues. If I’m So Wonderful, Why Am I Still Single? may be more useful if the therapist were to assign each chapter according to the individual for more personalized and less time-consuming bibliotherapy