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I Don’t Want To Talk About It.
By Jeanie F. Ransom. Washington, DC: American Psychological Association, 2000, 30 pp. $8.95 (paper).
Divorce is typically a distressing experience for young children. They will likely suffer from a variety of feelings that they do not understand. Initially, they may feel a great deal of confusion about what the divorce will mean to them. For example, they often worry that their whole lives will change. They might fear that their parents will leave them or stop loving them. Some children believe that if they do not talk about divorce then it will not really happen. Others wish that they can hide or run away so that they do not have to experience the divorce or their feelings. I Don’t Want To Talk About It by Jeanie Franz Ransom (2000) addresses common concerns and feelings of young children dealing with divorce.
Ransom tells the story of a young girl who is faced with the news of her parents’ divorce. She does not want to talk about the divorce with her parents. Instead, she dreams up all of the different animals she would like to be so that she can escape from her situation. Eventually, she realizes that even though her life will have many changes as a result of the divorce, not everything will have to change. She learns that her relationships with her parents will remain the same because they will always be her mom and dad, and they will always love her.
I Don’t Want To Talk About It is a creative way to approach divorce with young children. Children will enjoy the colorful illustrations by Kathryn Kunz Finney, as well as the focus on the animals. Since children do not always know what their feelings are, it is helpful to expose children to possible feelings. The animals are a clever way to introduce children to common feelings. Furthermore, the book shows children that there are other children who feel just like they do. It may help to clarify confusion about changes that children will have to go through, for example, moving to a new place and splitting their time between two parents. Importantly, it explains that despite those changes, parents will still spend time with their children and love them as much as before.
In addition, the book is equally useful for parents. It may be used as a tool to introduce feelings to their children. But parents will learn as well because the parents in the story model a healthy way to approach children about divorce. Furthermore, the book includes a Note to Parents by Dr. Phillip Stahl that shares what may be expected from children. For example, feelings of guilt, sadness, loneliness, anger, confusion, and fear are quite common. It also emphasizes the importance of both parents demonstrating open communication, continuity, routine, and a positive attitude toward the each other.
The book is extremely useful for approaching the subject of divorce. It has a particular strength in dealing with feelings of confusion and fear. On the other hand, it does not deal with children who blame themselves for their parents’ divorce. For children experiencing such feelings of guilt, a different book may be more appropriate. Similarly, children at later stages in the divorce process may read books that address anger, sadness, and loneliness.
I Don’t Want To Talk About It is very appropriate to use in bibliotherapy when working with children or families dealing with divorce. This thirty-page picture book can reasonably be assigned to young children. The story is appropriate for the suggested age range of children from four to eight years old. However, psychotherapists should be sensitive to the needs of individual clients. For instance, the story may not be appropriate for a mature eight year old who already reads chapter books. Older children may be able to read on their own while younger children would need a psychotherapist or family member to read it to them. Some children may prefer to read alone while others would like to read with their parents.
There are many ways that this book may be used in psychotherapy with children and their families. First, the story is an excellent introduction to divorce. It may give some children the push they need to start talking about divorce in their own family. For these children, a family session could be very useful to initiate conversations explaining what happens next for the family. It is also an opportunity for children to ask questions, express concerns, and relate their feelings. This may happen during psychotherapy, but the clinician should encourage such discussions between treatment sessions as well. The Note to Parents will help parents to understand children’s feelings and provide suggestions on how to approach children for discussion.
Some children may still not be ready to talk about the divorce after reading the book. The psychotherapist can incorporate creative writing, art, and drama into the treatment so that children can further discuss the book through the point of view of the girl in the story. When they are comfortable they may use their own feelings in the activities. For instance, children may be assigned to keep a journal, where they keep track of the animals that they would like to be as the girl did in the story. They would explain why they would like to be the animals or how they already feel like certain animals, and share the feelings that go along with that. Another possibility is for children to write a letter to the girl in the story, as an opportunity to relate to or disagree with the girl. Children may also use the letter to ask the girl for advice about their own parents’ divorce. For artistic children, drawings, paintings, collages, or mobiles may be used as an alternative to a journal. Children may relate to similar animals as the girl in the story or they may invent their own wishes. Similarly, children can make a puppet of the animal they feel most like. An alternative is for the child to make puppets of the girl and several of the animals from the book in order to act out the story.
All children are different and will have unique feelings that they will have to deal with while experiencing divorce in their families. This book will give children the opportunity to relate their feelings with those of other children and to begin talking with their own parents or psychotherapist. Conversations that are initiated by I Don’t Want To Talk About It should be followed by further discussions in and out of psychotherapy in order for children to talk about their individual feelings over time.