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Talking About Death: A Dialogue Between Parent and Child (Third Edition)
By Earl A. Grollman. Boston: Beacon Press, 1990, 118 pp., $16.00
Talking About Death: A Dialogue Between Parent and Child is a book primarily aimed at parents and their children while coping with loss. The book takes on a lay-friendly approach to addressing this difficult topic for parents in helping their children to understand the meaning of death and its impact. This is accomplished through sections specifically written for parents to discuss death and sections to read along with their children about death and loss, illustrations of children and family members coping with grief, and contact information on support groups for specific types of death (homicide, AIDS, and Sudden Infant Death Syndrome, for example). The content and overall organization of the book is reflective of the author’s longtime experience as a trained grief counselor. While there is a section specifically written for children and their parents to read together, the majority of the book is geared towards adults.
The author’s ultimate goal is to guide parents in facilitating a discussion about death. This is first addressed in the Introduction of the book, where Grollman writes about what parents should expect from their children when they are confronted with death of a loved one, such as misconceptions of what death really is and the venting of various emotions as possible grief responses. There are also guidelines provided for parents as to how talk about the subject. Throughout this section, the author assures parents that it is all right not to always have an answer to questions their children might pose.
The next section, the Children’s Read-Along, has been written specifically for parents and children (ages 8 and up) to process together. Accompanied by thoughtful illustrations, the section defines in concrete terms what death is, how impacts survivors, and the grieving process. Children are also encouraged to talk about the good memories regarding the deceased. By using easy-to-understand language and a comforting and reassuring tone to the text, Grollman makes understanding death less intimidating for both parents and children.
The Parent’s Guide to Explaining Death section elaborates the material covered in the Introduction. Here, the author provides information regarding the developmental level of children and how it might impact a conversation about the passing of a loved one. The section also is tied in with corresponding parts of the Children’s Read-Along, which serves to supplement the material in the read-along. Concepts, such as illness and the afterlife, are discussed here with suggestions as to how parents should introduce them to their children. Also included is an explanation of the grieving process in children and reactions to special kinds of death (the death of a parent, the death of a sibling, the death of a friend, the death of a pet, or a national tragedy). The section ends with a discussion of adult grief and when to seek professional help.
The remainder of the book is aimed at providing resources for bereaved families. Contact information for professional organizations and support groups are included. The support groups are then organized according to the relationship of the deceased to the survivor(s) and the manner of death. For example, there are groups available for families who have lost a member as a result of drunk driving. Finally, Grollman includes a list of additional reading and film materials on death and dying for both adults and children.
The psychotherapist could integrate the book in psychotherapy during most of the stages of grief, either in individual treatment for the child or with the entire family. For example, the Introduction section of the book might be quite useful for families who are in the midst of dealing with a recent loss. Meanwhile, the psychotherapist could use the Children’s Read-Along to help start a discussion about death and memories of the deceased, particularly with parents who are anxious about broaching the subject with their children. Portions of the Parent’s Guide to Explaining Death section combined with the Introduction of the book could also be assigned to these parents as well. By assigning these chapters, the clinician is proving them with information about their children’s reactions to death and dying and added support (reassurances that the subject is indeed hard to talk about and that not knowing all the answers is perfectly acceptable).
One limitation to this book involves the lack of cultural awareness when it comes to the grieving process and the concept of the afterlife. While the author is quite careful not to advocate for readers to turn to a specific religion, there is a definite Western take on the subject matter. This might alienate clients from other cultural backgrounds, where the topic of death and dying is handled differently. For example, some Asian cultures advocate a more Stoic approach rather than engaging in an open discussion when it comes to dealing with the death of a family member.
Another limitation to the book involves the organization of the book. It appears that the Parent’s Guide to Explaining Death should precede the Children’s Read-Along section. The rationale for this assertion is that the former provides parents with detailed guidance for discussing loss with children. It might make more sense for parents to be armed with this information prior to reading the other section with their children so that they can use what they have learned to facilitate a conversation and field any questions that might be posed.
However, there are a number of strengths to this book. First, the book is concise, to the point, complete with tangible examples, and is free of technical jargon, which makes it possible to for the therapist to assign in certain sections or in its entirety. In addition, the book could be used with clients in various stages of the grieving process. Finally, there is a comprehensive list of additional resources for parents and children, which includes contact information for organizations, support groups, and materials.
Talking About Death: A Dialogue Between Parent and Child would be a recommended choice to use in conjunction with grief counseling, either in individual or family sessions, after the death of a loved one. The book is an easy read, whether in its entirety or in certain sections. For both parents and their children, the book could be used during any stage during the grieving process.