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Violent No More: Helping Men End Domestic Abuse.
By Michael Paymar. Alameda, CA: Hunter House, 2000, 285 pages, $16.95.
“Every fifteen seconds a woman is beaten by her husband or boyfriend in the United States. One out of every four men will use violence against a partner at some time in their relationship” (p. 1). Domestic violence is a continuing problem in today’s society. Legislatures, psychology, and sociology are always searching for ways to end the vicious cycle of domestic abuse. The book Violent No More: Helping Men End Domestic Abuse does just that. In this book Michael Paymar gives men, who are willing to change, the tools needed to end the violence in their relationships.
The book Violent No More: Helping Men End Domestic Abuse, by Michael Paymar, is primarily geared toward men, who have abused their female significant others, and the practitioners who work with these men. However, this book is not limited to these two groups. Violent No More may also prove to be helpful to women who are currently in abusive situations or who have been in abusive relationships previously by helping them gain perspective on their present situation. This book may also be useful for legislative purposes. Paymar describes how the judicial and justice system can play a role in preventing domestic violence. This book is easy to read and is at a level that the majority of adults could easily understand. There is no jargon that would make it hard for someone without psychology background to comprehend.
Paymar does inform the reader upfront that the abusive man must want to change or otherwise, the book would be useless to him. Paymar also states multiple times that it is inappropriate and unethical for a counselor to be counseling the man and the woman in the abusive relationship in the same session. It is his belief that if a counselor is going to use the techniques in this book, he or she needs to counsel the man and woman separately in order for them to develop their own understanding of the situation. However, if the counselor is sure there is no more threat of violence or fear in the relationship, Paymar provides techniques for rebuilding the relationship, if the couple chooses to do so. This book may also not be appropriate for those counselors who are coming strictly from a psychological perspective. In order to benefit from this book, the reader must be able to look at the problem of domestic violence in a sociological way as well. However, I believe that regardless of theoretical perspective, any clinician could find at least one section of this book to be useful.
Michael Paymar gets the majority of his material for this book from the Duluth Domestic Abuse Intervention Project, where he is currently a training coordinator. He has also been a counselor there for many years. In Violence No More he takes the reader through a sequence of steps to help a man begin to change his abusive behaviors. He starts out the book by discussing the need for the man to own the problem. Paymar states that to own the problem the man must “acknowledge that it exists and take the responsibility for doing something about it” (p. 16). He does an extremely good job of encouraging and congratulating the reader for taking this first step, since reading the book in and of itself is the beginning of the realization that there is a problem. Paymar believes that the next step is getting help. He provides the reader with numerous resources and counseling programs where this help can be received. Finally, in the first chapter, Paymar teaches the reader how to use this book and get the most out of it. He encourages the reader to buy a notebook to write down all their thoughts and reactions they have to the book. By doing this the reader can assess his own change and develop a deeper insight into his situation.
The second chapter is dedicated to exploring how society perpetuates the violence against women. For example, men are taught from a young age that they should be tough and strong, like John Wayne and Sylvester Stallone. Men are ridiculed for having female characteristics, such as sensitivity and the ability to express their emotions. Sexism that often occurs in the workplace also supports the idea that men are superior to women. When men become involved in romantic relationships these ideas of masculinity and femininity are often where the problems arise. The third chapter looks at the origins of abuse. For example, Paymar discusses how violence can be learned from the family. However, he makes sure to point out that the batterer should not blame his past or society for his actions; he needs to take full responsibility.
Paymar then explains to the reader that physical violence is not the only type of abuse. Using intimidation, threats, isolation and emotional abuse are all forms of domestic violence that need to be seen as a problem in the relationship. In the next chapter, Paymar discusses the importance of the batterer taking responsibility for his actions. He also addresses many of the common sources of denial that abusive men use and how they can get past such denial. For example, men will often minimize the violence by saying things like, “I was drunk.” or “I only hit her once” (p. 97).
One of the final chapters, which is primarily directed toward abusive men, discusses how men can make changes and how they can stay on the right track. Some examples would be the idea of taking a time out when a man feels an explosive situation coming on. However, this timeout must have guidelines. The man needs to discuss with his partner how long his timeouts will last and why he is taking a timeout. Also, drugs and alcohol should not be used at this time, it should be a time to gain composure, calm down, and reassess the situation. Developing the ability to handle jealousy is also another way to change the abusive situation.
Chapters 7 and 8 are directed to men and women who want to stay together after the abuse has ended. He lets the reader know that staying in the relationship may always be a struggle and it is going to take a great deal of effort. The man must be understanding and accepting of the woman’s anger. The man also needs to work on having his needs met without being abusive. He also teaches men how to deal with expressing their emotions and learning to compromise and negotiate.
The final chapter for abusive men is about healing emotionally, physically, intellectually, and spiritually. Paymar also addresses the issue of discussing the abuse with children, when it’s appropriate, and how to address it so they will understand. Additionally, Paymar discusses ways in which recovering batterers can help the community. For example, they can talk to males that are in the same situation they were in and help them understand that they can change.
The final chapters are an overview for practitioners. Paymar discusses how to work and counsel batterers, and the different theories and practices of offender programs. He also gives a step-by-step list of the fundamentals of the program for those who would want to start their own program. For example, Paymar lists program goals, contracts with offenders, and requirements. Paymar also give tips to the group leader about issues, such as assuring safety and believing in the capacity of men to change. He also includes many handouts that can be used in groups for men who are abusive. For example, he has included a list of timeout rules and guidelines for remaining non-violent. Books, manuals, and videos that can be used in offender programs are also listed for the convenience of counselors.
Violent No More has many special features included within it. Every chapter includes case studies. These would be helpful for the men reading the book because they could see that other men have been able to stop being abusive and change their lives. This could also be helpful to women. It might help them realize that they are not alone, that other women have gone through the same thing they have. At the end of most sections, Paymar includes a note to women and counselors. Notes to women usually include explanations about how they are affected by what he has just discussed and how it is related to them. The notes to counselors usually pertain to how they can aid in the process that he just went over. There are also exercises at the end of each section for the batterer to do. For example, after the section on how to understand and accept your female partner’s anger, the offender is asked to remember an incident when his partner was angry with him. He must then answer questions, such as “What was the issue?”, “How did you respond to her anger?” and “How could you have handled this situation differently?” (p. 147).
Even though Paymar does not specifically address issues such as culturally specific groups, or gay or lesbian groups, he does refer these individuals to resources where they can get help. He also takes different religions into consideration. For example, at the end of the first section about the roots of male violence, he tells the Christian reader that he is aware that this may cause conflict based on their interpretation of the Scriptures and he recommends another book that would be more beneficial for them to read.
This book is recommended highly to any clinician working with men who batter. Psychotherapists can assign chapters to be read and exercises to be done. The chapters and exercises can then be discussed in their sessions. This would help the client gain insight into their problems. Paymar breaks down everything in this book step-by- step. This format is easy to understand and follow by anyone willing to change or anyone who wants to help a batterer change, not only his actions, but his mistaken thoughts and beliefs that accompany these actions. It is clear that this book, with a clinician’s guidance, can help, not only men who batter, but the women who are the victims of such abuse as well.