[date]

Dear Medical/Health Reporter:

Expectations are a powerful thing. Knowing what expectations someone has for us is like knowing the rules to a game. Parents of toddlers have expectations for certain behaviors and for when those behaviors should be exhibited. But when these expectations are not met, tension can arise. Beginning at about 18 months, parents will be teaching new 'rules' to the toddler for all sorts of conduct including bowel and bladder training. At the same time that the child's expanding capabilities require parents to begin to teach the child self-control and self-restraint, the child has developed a new and powerful sense of self and begins to assert his or her 'will' quite insistently.

So how do parents determine what are appropriate socialization expectations for toddlers? And are their expectations realistic or too high or too low? Look at the temperament, stage of development, and environment of your child. Talk with other parents. Recognize that if a parent frequently feels 'let down' by a child's behavior, this may be a sign that parental expectations are unrealistic.

It is important for parents to let children know what the family's expectations are and what the consequences will be if they are not met. For toddlers, though, keep the rules simple. State your expectations before beginning an activity so the child can focus on what to do instead of on what not to do. Recognize and praise good behavior and efforts. Researchers have found that parents of toddlers who exhibited frequent defiance, prolonged tantrums, and physical aggression were able to turn their kids around by using positive-reinforcement techniques. Every child will have an occasional bad day. If there are too many of these, a psychologist can help parents become more clear about whether they are demanding too much or too little of their toddler and can help parents to modify their teaching and discipline techniques if these do not seem to be motivating the child properly. Be particularly sensitive to the need to seek some parent counseling if your child is experiencing persistent problems that interrupt his or her interaction with other children, if your child shows signs of social withdrawal, an inability to focus his or her attention, or is impulsive and unduly aggressive.

As a member of the Psychologists in Independent Practice, a Division of the American Psychological Association (APA), I would be happy to speak with you on this subject. APA's Psychologists in Independent Practice represents independent psychologists, each of whom is a doctoral level professional licensed by his or her particular state. When you need to talk to someone who can help, you need an experienced, licensed psychologist. I look forward to speaking with you.

Sincerely,

[Your name]

[Your phone number]

Read Tips for Coping with Toddlers